Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex. Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this. [picks up an ashtray] Navin R. Johnson: And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] Navin R. Johnson: And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. [dog barks] Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog. Mother: Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass. [first lines] Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi. [a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil] Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans. [Navin recites some wisdom] Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it. Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in. Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing. Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now. [Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps] Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child. Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color? [Stan Fox's glasses keep slipping off] Stan Fox: Damn these glasses. Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir. [to the glasses] Navin R. Johnson: I damn thee. Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress? Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were. Navin R. Johnson: What was it? Marie: "The Way We Were." Navin R. Johnson: First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book. [in bed] Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say. [pause] Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that. Navin R. Johnson: I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke. Marie: I don't wanna puke. Navin R. Johnson: Good things are gonna start happening to me now. [Crazy guy with gun scrolls through a phone book] Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... Sounds like a typical bastard. Motel Guest: Don't call that dog "lifesaver;" call him "shithead." Navin R. Johnson: Now be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don't you. Marie: Kind of Navin R. Johnson: I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me? Marie:
Well I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson: That's too bad. Do you think its possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him? Marie: Who knows maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me. Navin R. Johnson: I'd be happy to be in there somewhere. New Accounts Bank Manager: I will need two pieces of identification. Navin R. Johnson: Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth. Marie: I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff. Sniper: Die, you random son of a bitch. [shoots at Navin but hits a display of oil cans] Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans! [last lines] Navin R. Johnson: [voiceover] I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one. Navin R. Johnson: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen? Marie: You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it? Navin R. Johnson: Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down. Marie: Good pizza. [the two are eating pizza in a cup] Navin R. Johnson: Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.