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Sergeant:
Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?
Constable Savage:
He's a villain, sir.
Sergeant:
...A villain.
Constable Savage:
And a jailbird, sir.
Sergeant:
I know he's a jailbird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on a charge of being caught in possession of curly black hair and thick lips!
Buyer:
[looking at scaled down model of bathroom set with toilet and shower on the scene] A shower isn't as much use as a toilet is it? Well let's stick another toilet in there then!
Salesperson:
But you've already got one sir!
[pause]
Salesperson:
How about this heating rack? It can go just here...
Buyer:
For drying towels and things?
Salesperson:
That's right, yes.
Buyer:
A heating rack isn't as much use as a toilet is it, really?
Salesperson:
[laughing] Well, I suppose not, no...
Buyer:
[takes out rack] , well let's put a toilet there then!
[puts toilet in in its place]
Salesperson:
[confused] Um, three toilets...
Buyer:
Ah yes - in case of blockage.
Buyer:
[slightly later in scene] The bath's taking up a lot of room isn't it?
Salesperson:
Well it is a bathroom sir!
Buyer:
No, I prefer a shower.
[removes the bath and puts a shower in]
Buyer:
Put it here and we'll have a couple of toilets in there as well
[insert two more toilets]
Salesperson:
[bemused] That's now six toilets...
Buyer:
I'll stick a toilet in the shower as well, kill two birds with one stone as it were.
Salesperson:
That's now seven toilets...
Buyer:
Do you have anything else?
Salesperson:
No, I'm afraid you've used up our entire stock!
[a ticket tout solicits a man in a theatre lobby]
Scalper:
Psst... here... want a couple of tickets for the Osmonds concert tonight?
Man:
Osmonds concert? No.
Scalper:
Yeah...! Best seats, no rubbish, front stalls.
Man:
How much?
Scalper:
Fiver each?
Man:
Alright.
Scalper:
Two front stalls...
[hand the man two tickets]
Scalper:
and five and five...
[hands the man two five pound notes]
[a scientist is being interviewed about his project to communicate with a gorilla sitting next to him]
Interviewer:
Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, '67 I think it was...
Gerald, the Gorilla:
'68
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
' Umm... there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis...
Gerald, the Gorilla:
[interrupting] Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired...
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
That's a bit ungrateful, isn't it?
Gerald, the Gorilla:
...and your diction for instance...
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild.
Gerald, the Gorilla:
Wild? I was absolutely livid!
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
I didn't see the point of him writing letters, I mean they either ate them or wiped their bottoms on them.
Gerald, the Gorilla:
Look, I know you've never got on with my mother.
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Well, she didn't exactly like me either, did she?
Gerald, the Gorilla:
She got on perfectly well with David Attenborough.
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
David Attenborough! All I ever hear is David bloody Attenborough!
Gerald, the Gorilla:
Let's leave Dave out of this.
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh, shut up and have a banana!
Gerald, the Gorilla:
All right, then, I will.
Gerald, the Gorilla:
I went to evening classes.
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Oh, shut up about your bloody evening classes, Gerald!
Gerald, the Gorilla:
As Aristotle once said...
[speaks Greek]
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
You arrogant little bastard, you're wrecking my life's work! Trampling around the garden... eating daffodils!
Gerald, the Gorilla:
I do *not* eat daffodils.
Prof. Timothy Fielding:
Well, somebody does, don't they?
Interviewer:
Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for. Professor, Gerald, thank you very much.
A Daffodil:
He bloody does eat daffodils, you know.
Various roles:
[opens a back door and shouts] Why don't you grow up, you little bastards?
Various roles:
What's the matter, dear?
Various roles:
Nothing, I'm just talking to the plants.
Doctor:
I've got your results back from the lab, and you have the highest level of cholesterol they've ever seen.
Man:
Oh.
Doctor:
I know this is premature, but when you die, would you consider leaving your body to me?
Man:
Well, obviously, if I can be of any help. For research purposes?
Doctor:
No, I want to hang you in the garden so the blue-tits can peck at you.
Panellist:
I beg your pardon wang!
Ronnie Barker:
This is a family show, and I will not allow smut into your home!复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制
