A series of loosely connected skits that spoof news programs, commercials, porno films, kung fu films, disaster films, blaxploitation films,...更多>
[Master Klahn decapitates a prisoner] Klahn: Now take him to be tortured! Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces. Pennington: This is Buttkiss, Klahn's bodyguard - he is tough and ruthless. This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur - he is rough and toothless. Newscaster: The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in. More at eleven. Newscaster: I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven. Newscaster: Moscow in flames, missiles inbound, film at 11:00 The Architect: What are you saying? The Nurse: Leave her... come back to Montana with me. The Architect: I could no sooner run away from her than myself. The Nurse: I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality! The Architect: Whose reality, yours or mine? The Nurse: My reality AND yours, that's whose! The Architect: What are you saying? The Nurse: Leave her! Come back to Montana with me! The Architect: I could no sooner run away from her than myself! The Nurse: I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality! The Architect: Whose reality, yours or mine? The Nurse: My reality AND yours, that's whose! The Architect: What are you saying? Narrator: Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited! 1st guest: Fish for dinner last night? 2nd guest: Phewww... Harvey still smoking those cigars? 3rd guest: CHRIST! Did a cow shit in here? Narrator: Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion! Klahn: We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our tradition in the spirit of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. Newscaster:
Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles. Film at eleven.
Narrator: If you were thrilled by "The Towering Inferno," if you were terrified by "Earthquake," Then you will be SCARED SHITLESS at the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of "That's Armageddon!" A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. Game Show Host: If I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up? Guard #2: I wouldn't - I'm no ding-a-ling. Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money! Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation. Claude LaMont: I live ze unknown, I love ze unknown, I am ze unknown. Paul Burmaster: Claude, where are you living now? Claude LaMont: Zat... is unknown. I don't know. Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker! Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals! Henry Gibson: Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness. Pennington: These are the Hartz Mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it. Asquith: Worse then Detroit? Pennington: I'm afraid so. Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution... Loo: And who are they? Dr. Klahn: Refuse, found in waterfront bars. Loo: Shanghaied? Dr. Klahn: Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are and no longer care. Prisoner #1: Where are we? Prisoner #2: I don't care! Loo: And these? Dr. Klahn:
These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care! And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.