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Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond looks after the British outpost near the Khybar pass. Protected by the kilted Third Foot and Mouth regiment, you wou...
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Sid James
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饰Sir Sidney Ru...
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Kenneth Williams
演员
饰Rhandi Lal, t...
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Charles Hawtrey
演员
饰Private Jimmy...
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Joan Sims
演员
饰Lady Joan Ruf...
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[the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked]
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
Oh! How awful! What can have happened ?
Captain Keene:
I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.
Missionary:
Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Ginger!
Missionary:
Who is?
Private Jimmy Widdle:
He is. Ginger, my mate.
Sergeant-Major MacNutt:
Private Hale ?
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.
Private Ginger Hale:
Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate?
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Ginge, mate! How do you feel?
Private Ginger Hale:
Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded.
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Only here and there.
Private Ginger Hale:
Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right?
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Of course not, Ginge mate.
Private Ginger Hale:
Eh?
Private Jimmy Widdle:
I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate."
Private Ginger Hale:
I'm not going to be all right?
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it.
Private Ginger Hale:
You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say.
Private Jimmy Widdle:
What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight.
Private Ginger Hale:
Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you!
Sergeant-Major MacNutt:
That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad?
Private Ginger Hale:
They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them.
[He belches]
Private Ginger Hale:
Burpas! They... they... oooh!
[Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly]
Private Jimmy Widdle:
Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate!
[Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off]
Private Ginger Hale:
That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!
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33
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The Khasi of Kalabar
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fd1
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:
[unimpressed by the Fakir's performance] Bring on the dancing girls. Get rid of this idiot!
Bungdit Din:
Fakir! Off!
The Khasi of Kalabar:
May the benevolence of the god Shivoo bring blessings on your house.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
And on yours.
The Khasi of Kalabar:
And may his wisdom bring success in all your undertakings.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
And in yours.
The Khasi of Kalabar:
And may his radiance light up your life.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
And up yours.
Captain Keene:
Fire at will!
Brother Belcher:
Poor old Will, why do they always fire at him?
[Sergeant-Major MacNutt has knocked Captain Keene to the floor with the spear lodged in his back]
Captain Keene:
Sergeant-Major, report to the surgeon and get that thing taken out!
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
[watching polo game] Ooh, I say! He did not 'alf crack that one, did he not?
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
Dearest, if you can't express yourself in more elegant terms, kindly shut your cakehole
The Khasi of Kalabar:
[Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph] I must take that with me now
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
Then take me with it
The Khasi of Kalabar:
But what about your husband?
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
Oh, we don't want him!
The Khasi of Kalabar:
Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
Oh, of course
[tearful]
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!
The Khasi of Kalabar:
Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
[happy] Oh well, that's alright then, innit!
[after a servant rings a gong, in the style of the famous Rank Organisation logo]
The Khasi of Kalabar:
I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that. Rank stupidity!
Sergeant-Major MacNutt:
[on the subject of underwear] I am wearing them for sentimental reasons, sir. They were hand knitted by me mother
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
I don't care if they were hand made by your father.
Sergeant-Major MacNutt:
Well he did do the flowers.
The Khasi of Kalabar:
They will die the death of a thousand cuts!
Princess Jelhi:
Oh! But that's horrible!
The Khasi of Kalabar:
Not at all my little desert flower, the British are used to cuts.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
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3d
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[Watching a game of Polo in India, 1895]
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c65
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Good shot! Well done, Phillip! He'll do well that boy, if he marries well...
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
Oh dear! I seem to have got a little plastered!
[the Khasi's soldiers are fleeing from the kilt-lifted Third Foot and Mouth regiment]
The Khasi of Kalabar:
What are you running from? There's nothing to be afraid of
[turns to look at the exposed regiment]
The Khasi of Kalabar:
Ooh, I dunno though!
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