A typesetter (Don Knotts) for a small town newspaper persues his dream of becoming a big-time reporter by spending a night in an alleged hau...更多>
Kelsey: You know why you thought you saw a murder out there, Luther? 'Cause that's a murder house. Luther Heggs: That's right, karate... made my whole body a weapon. Milo Maxwell: Oh, I-I-I-I'm so sorry that I'm late, but we had a seance at the house last night and it ran on until all hours. Luther Heggs: Calm? Do "murder" and "calm" go together? Calm and murder? Murder? Halcyon Maxwell: You don't seem to realize the cosmic importance of this. Luther Heggs: It was terrible. It was just terrible. I'll never get over it as long as I live. Luther Heggs: Oh, don't panic. Don't panic. Suzanna Blush: It's Calver Weems! He's DEAD! He's been MURDERED! Luther Heggs: Well don't panic! DON'T PANIC! Suzanna Blush: Oh Luther! Luther! It was terrible! He was walking along the streen when: BANG! Right on the head! [points to 2x4] Suzanna Blush: With that! Luther Heggs: Well did you see who did it? Suzanna Blush: No, it was just: BANG! Right on the head! With that! Luther Heggs: Well I'll just get a picture of it. Lets see... f32... and it's dark, it's been rainin'... and uh... Oh for heaven's sake STAND BACK Suzanna! Stand back! Get out of the way! And for heaven's sake don't TOUCH anything! This is all EVIDENCE! Suzanna Blush: He was just walking down the street when: BANG! Right on the head! Luther Heggs: All right, I'll get a picture of the murder weapon... Suzanna Blush: BANG! Right on the head! I was just getting ready to brush my teeh and watch Lawrence Welk, then I looked out the window and: BANG... Luther Heggs: For heaven's sake Suzanna pull yourself together! I'm goin down to the Police Station! Now you get on the phone and call my editor! Suzanna Blush: WHO? Luther Heggs: George Beckett! tell him to get down to the police station as soon as possible! And for heaven's sakes, whatever you do, KEEP your HEAD! Halcyon Maxwell: Why Milo, you didn't finish your tapioca. No wonder you have a nervous stomach. [repeated line] Man in audience: Atta boy, Luther! Mrs. Cobb: [while describing the blood-stained keys on the piano] And they used Bon Ami!
[Springer calls his "surprise" witness to the stand]
Springer: Your full name, sir? Gaylord Patie: Gaylord Patie. Springer: And what is your occupation? Gaylord Patie: I'm a certified public accountant for the state. Springer: Now then, I understand that you, Mr. Patie, have heard the organ playing in the Simmons Mansion. Am I correct, sir? Gaylord Patie: You are. I have heard organ music coming from the tower of the Simmons Mansion on three seperate occasions. [gasps of awe come from the audience] Gaylord Patie: That's why I came to you, Mr. Springer. Springer: And at what time did you hear this music? Gaylord Patie: At the stroke of midnight. [more gasps of awe come from the audience] Springer: And what else have you heard coming from the Simmons Mansion, Mr. Patie? Gaylord Patie: On the first occasion, a woman's scream. And on the second and third occasions, a man's scream. [even more gasps of awe come from the audience] Springer: And what kind of screams were they, Mr. Patie? Gaylord Patie: Oh wild, maniacal screams. [audience is really excited now] Springer: Thank you. Your witness. Whitlow: [cross-examining] Mr. Patie, I understand that you're president of the Internation Conclave for Unidentified Flying Objects Gaylord Patie: That is correct, sir. Whitlow: Where was your last meeting held? Gaylord Patie: On Mars. [courtroom erupts in laughter] Luther Heggs: I guess if you cut me, I'd bleed ink. Luther Heggs: When you work with words, words are your work. Whitlow: Can't you curb your imagination for one minute? Luther Heggs: Can't you curb your tongue for a minute? Ollie Weaver: [quoting Luther's newspaper story] The horribleness and awfulness of it will never actually be forgotten? Luther Heggs: Mr. Boob, that's me. B double O B - boob! Luther Heggs: Well, me, I just don't happen to believe in ghosts... particularly. Halcyon Maxwell: Why, this is bigger than the, than the Whispering Steeple in Kansas City. Herkie: [checking guests at the picnic] You're C. of C, and you're OK.... You're C. of C, and you're OK.... You're -Hey! You're not C. of C.! The Rotarian at picnic: I'm Rotary! Herkie: GET OUTTA HERE!