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"The Carol Burnett Show"
(1967)
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Carol Bradford:
When we were first married you wanted my meatloaf five nights a week.
Roger Bradford:
When we were first married there were a lot of things I wanted five nights a week.
as Thelma "Mama" Harper:
[Vicki improvises a line that was not scripted] You ain't right in the head, Eunice. I think somebody blew your pilot light out!
as Eunice Harper:
[Carol is caught off guard and quickly turns away trying to compose herself and not fall out of character] That's a *new* one, Mama!
as Thelma "Mama" Harper:
[without missing a beat] Well, you just wait, there's more!
as Eunice Harper:
[clasping her hands over her face to hide her laughter] Oh, no!
as Thelma "Mama" Harper:
You've got splinters in the windmills of your mind!
Host, Jim Nabors:
[Singing] Took us in a trip in this million dollar chicken coop.
Jim Nabors:
I'll bet they'd like to put our names up in lights.
Host:
You could do Shakespeare, you look stunning in tights.
Jim Nabors:
Watch it.
Ed:
[playing the game sorry and Eunice is losing] Slliiiiiide!
Eunice:
Oh, will you shut up!
Housekeeper:
[After the Cunningham's have entered a scary castle] Go away. For three hundred years, no strange person has been inside this castle.
Mrs. Cunningham:
You wanna bet?
Hallaba:
[Is going to tell Mrs. Cunningham's fortune] Your hands please. Your left hand shows your past. Your right hand shows your future.
[Mrs. Cunningham gives her her right hand, but Hallaba slaps it away]
Hallaba:
Give me your left hand. I want to look at your past. Ohhhh!
[She covers her mouth, smiling]
Mrs. Cunningham:
What is it? What do you see?
Hallaba:
Last night. Moshimomoshivo!
Mrs. Cunningham:
[Looks embarrassed] What about the future?
Hallaba:
[Looks at her left hand] Ohhhh! You're a dead duck!
Hallaba:
You're going to be bitten by a verevolf.
Mrs. Cunningham:
A verevolf?
[Screams]
Hallaba:
Yes. Bevare the volfman will bite you tonight. Oy, are you gonna get it.
Mrs. Cunningham:
Oh, no! Is a verevolf bite painful?
Hallaba:
It's about the same as the bite from a wampire.
Gwendolyn:
For you had the perfect motive for doing away with father. I know about your gambling debts!
Reginald:
Just as I know about that nasty little habit you picked up in the Orient. Eh, sister dear.
Gwendolyn:
[Gasps] No, please don't! You have no idea what hell its been. Kumkwaits have become so expensive. How could I have been so stupid, stupid, stupid?!
Caruthers:
[The butler, Caruthers, walks in] You called, ma'am?
Reginald:
No, she didn't call Caruthers. She was discussing her kumkwaits.
Reginald:
Oh. Well, I'm a leg man myself.
Reginald:
[To Gwendolyn] Now listen to me, you little fool. As far as everyone is concerned, father's death was purely...
Ms. Marble:
[Ms. Marble in the background] Murder!
Reginald:
[Nervous] Murder? Murder, you say?
Ms. Marble:
[Comes into the living room] Murder, murder, murder. Bloody, bloody murder.
Gwendolyn:
You mean to say our father was murdered?
Ms. Marble:
No, I mean to say my girdle is killing me.
Reginald:
Ms. Marble, I really must insist you stop snooping around. I simply will not tolerate a busybody.
Ms. Marble:
Busybody? Busybody, you say? My body hasn't been busy in over 40 years.
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