advertisement Dan Rowan: [as the News of the Future anchor] Item: Washington, DC, 1988. President Ronald Reagan today denied once again that he is a candidate for the office of Governor of California. Judy Carne: I don't think Mr. Nixon will stand still for a Sock it to me. Richard Nixon: Sock it to me? [catchphrase] Jo Anne: IS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE? [catchphrase] German Soldier: Verrry eenteresting... Tim Conway: Y'know, my wife just doesn't understand me. Eileen: Oh, you married men are all the same. Tim Conway: No, I mean it. She doesn't understand me. She's Swahili. Tim Conway: Well, if your heart belongs to me, how can the rest of you go out with so many other guys? [repeated line] Dan Rowan: Go to your room! [repeated line] Judy Carne: You're weird, Goldie. [repeated line] Judy Carne: It's not fair. [after getting doused with a bucket of water] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to go to a play? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to go to a concert? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to go to a funeral? [falls off the park bench] Cher: Sonny and I are perfectly compatible. As soon as there's a problem, my psychiatrist contacts his psychiatrist and they work it out. Jo Anne: Boris says we'll never win the War on Poverty till all those poor people surrender. Jo Anne: Boris and I have the most violent political arguments. He thinks the Democrats can do no wrong, and, of course, I'm for Johnson. Dick Martin: How about coming up to my place? Girl: Are you going to try anything fresh? Dick Martin: Nope. Same old stuff. [repeated line] Dan Rowan: Look THAT up in your Funk and Wagnall's. Dan Rowan: Now here's the man for whom the news wouldn't be the news without the news, Heeeere's Dicky. Dick Martin: You bet your sweet bippy. Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in love at first sight? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in two hearts intertwining to become one? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in mouth-to-mouth resucitation? [He falls over] [poem] John Wayne: The sky is blue. The grass is green. Get off you butts and join the Marines. Ernestine, the telephone operator: One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingies. Alan Sues: Oh, good heavens. Someone's copped my tinkle. Ernestine, the telephone operator: And as a special favor, I'm enclosing our three-color brochure on phone etiquette. You might find it useful. Announcer: The preceding was recorded earlier because we were ashamed to do it now. Dinah Shore: If Ida Lupino married Don Ho she'd be Ida Ho. Ernestine, the telephone operator: How may I, in all humble servitude, be of assistance? Liberace: I bet my sweet bippy and lost it. Teresa Graves: The way the post office handles parcels today is getting rougher and rougher. No matter how your packages start out, they end up... junk mail. Pam: On my date last night, I wore a wig, contact lenses, false fingernails, fake eyelashes, and a lot of padding. My boyfriend just loved me to pieces! Teresa Graves: Our old friend, Treasury-Secretary Kennedy, says that the recent rise in unemployment is acceptable. That's easy for him to say. He's got a job. Lily Tomlin: You know the President felt we couldn't afford the money for a Health and Education program, so he vetoed the bill. As simple as A-B-M. Barbara Feldon: It's not the hawks and doves that I'm worried about... it's those cuckoos in Washington that want to make pigeons out of all of us. Goldie Hawn: I don't see why there should be any question about capital punishment. I think everyone in the capital should be punished. Dan Rowan: Jeremy, I wanted to ask you, I understand that John Lennon sent back that material they gave him, what was it, the Member of the British Empire, was it, because England supports the United States in the war in Vietnam, is that right? Jeremy: That's right, Dan, and I suppose since England also supported America against Japan, he'll be sending back Yoko Ono. Lily Tomlin: If Kaye Ballard married former astronaut Wally Schirra, divorced him, married his brother, she'd be [sings the melody of the song "Que Sera Sera"] Lily Tomlin: Kaye Schirra Schirra. Lily Tomlin: The girls and I feel so terrible when we see all those unfortunate people in the poor part of town. So we've tastefully decided to do something about it; from now on, we're not going to drive through the poor part of town. Teresa Graves: President Nixon's War on Pollution is as effective as President Johnson's War on Poverty. Before we know it, we're gonna have an awful lot of dirty, poor people. Parson: They say the church may have to start paying taxes soon. Oh well... the Lord giveth and the government taketh away. Alan Sues: Do you know that artist models earn ten dollars an hour just sitting around naked? I do think that's exorbitant!... But I need the money desperately. Judy Carne: It's so silly getting all uptight with anxieties. I say just sit back, relax, and let your troubles go up in smoke. Jo Anne: I'm all for school busing. I've learned so much more in a school bus than I'll ever learn in a school! Big Al: I just gave Tiny Tim a nude statue with a clock in its stomach as a wedding present. The clock doesn't work, but Tiny'll never find out. He's too embarrassed to wind it. Alan Sues: Hey, Goldie, does the high cost of living bother you? Goldie Hawn: No, I live on the ground-floor apartment. Ernestine, the telephone operator: You are not dealing with just anyone's fool. I am a high-school graduate. Ernestine, the telephone operator: [talking to someone at Los Angeles City Hall while trying to get hold of Mayor Yorty] Tell me, is this Mr. Yorty on the lam or something?... Oh, he's, uh, a publicly elected official? Well, who elected him, Pan-Am? [laughs and snorts] Ernestine, the telephone operator: Hello? Hello? Hello?... Teresa Graves: Different strokes for different folks. Lily Tomlin: Our club tastefully agrees that 18-year-olds should be allowed to vote... just as soon as they become 21. Dick Martin: Hey, listen, Cathy, uh... Why don't we go up to my place tonight? You know, I'm a marvelous cook. Cathy: Really? What's your specialty? Dick Martin: Breakfast. Dan Rowan: Teresa, did you know that the government has spent, in the past two years, 28 million dollars renting buildings in Vietnam? Teresa Graves: My goodness! Listen, if we just stop paying the rent, maybe we can get evicted. Lily Tomlin: I do believe in getting involved just so long as the involvement is a tasteful one. Why, I even have a "Fight Poverty" sticker on my Rolls-Royce. Goldie Hawn: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men had omelets! Henry Gibson: Do you know there's a small hotel in downtown Burbank? Cher: No, but if they hum a few bars, I can fake it. Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in the hereafter? Gladys Ormphby: Of course I do. Tyrone F. Horneigh: Well... then, you know what I'm here after! Jo Anne: I didn't know Dr. Spock cared about people. I thought he was only interested in babies. Jo Anne: I wanted to ask my boyfriend to see "In the Heat of the Night," but I didn't know how to phrase the invitation. Tyrone F. Horneigh: Hey, are you doing anything right now? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Are you doing anything tonight? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Are you doing anything tomorrow night? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Well, I'll come back and see you sometime when you're not so busy. [first lines of the show] Announcer: What you're about to see is true. [the word false appears on the screen, a man moves arrows on the clock in the back so it reads 8:00] Announcer: Only names and faces have been left unchanged... to protect the innocent. Milton Berle: The way some of the younger generation carries on, some people wish that they'd develop a birth control pill that was retroactive. Dan Rowan: Hey, Goldie, would you ever go on a hunger strike? Goldie Hawn: No, I couldn't, I'm on a diet. Goldie Hawn: My I.Q. has never been question. Actually, it never been mention. Judy Carne: I love Joan Baez, I got her autographed fingerprints. Jo Anne: Boris says, "Red China is our friend. And when they get here, they're going to prove it." Jo Anne: Boris says, "Capitalism doesn't work." But neither does Boris. Eileen: It was too bad Frank and Mia broke up, I've always been against mixed marriages. Eileen: If they take the violence off TV, the kids won't have anything to watch on Saturday Morning. Gladys Ormphby: I tried to join the Sexual Revolution, but I flunked the physical. Barbara Feldon: We really learned the 3 Rs "Reading, Writing, and Rhythm". Barbara Sharma: Miss Diller, what can a girl do about bad breath? Phyllis Diller: Keep your mouth shut. Henry Gibson: Solomon Grundy, by Henry Gibson; Solomon Grundy born on Monday; went to school on Tuesday; grew a beard on Wednesday; expelled on Thusday; protested on Friday; arrested on Saturday; drafted on Sunday; and this was the end of Solomon Grundy. Henry Gibson: Rapunsel, Rapusel let down your hair. [stuffed rabbit falls into from above] Announcer: This show was prerecorded earlier, because it didn't make much sense to prerecorded it later. German Soldier: Very interesting, not very funny, but very interesting. Announcer: The show has been prerecorded to give the cast a chance to get away. German Soldier: Very interesting, but they'll never make it across the border. [laughs maniacally] Dan Rowan: Say good night, Dick. Dick Martin: Good night, Dick! Dan Rowan: Good night, everybody! Cast: [repeated jingle] What's the news across the nation/We have got the information/in a way we hope will amuse - you - /We just love to give you our views/La da de da/Ladies and Gents, Laugh-In looks at the news! [repeated line] Dan Rowan: Hey, next week have we got a show... Dick Martin: I'd like to say something my mother once said. Dan Rowan: [as the News of the Future anchor] Berlin, 20 years from now, 1989. There was dancing in the streets today as East Germany finally tore down the Berlin Wall. The joy was short-lived, however, as the wall was quickly replaced with a moat full of alligators. Dick Martin: Blow in my ear and I'll follow you anywhere. Judy Carne: [as a switchboard operator answering the phone] NBC, beautiful downtown Burbank. Jo Anne: Did you know that a girl can get into alot of trouble all alone in beautiful downtown Burbank. Judy Carne: It wasn't until I met Hepcliff that I relised that they called England the mother country. Jo Anne: It's like this; if you like Burbank, you're gonna love Paris! Judy Carne: I'll always call England the mother country, whether the queen takes the pill or not. Goldie Hawn: Now THAT tickles my fancy! Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Post Office? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Spin the Bottle? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Doctor? [falls off the park bench] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to call me Cutie? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to call me Sweetie? [Gladys hits him] Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to call me an ambulance? [falls off the park bench] Guest Performer: We've spent over a million dollars on the space program, and some people say that we should of given it to the poor. Guest Performer: Now what do the poor people know how to run a space program?