Schultz: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them. Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape... Hogan: Yeah? Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you. Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition. [repeated line] Schultz: I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING! [a German truck flies by] Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one [Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint] General: What is this, you are not Gestapo? Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country. General: But I don't want to leave the country. Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay? General: I'm coming with you. [while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers] Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner. Hogan: Carter. [Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking] Colonel Klink: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start. Colonel Klink: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on! [Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence] Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key. Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything? Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor. [repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan] Major Hochstetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE? [in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo] Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place. Captain: I have orders. [Hands over papers with orders to Klink] Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders. [Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper] Colonel Klink: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the F黨rer." [energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand] Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain. [repeated line] Colonel Klink: Dis-missed! Colonel Klink: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe. Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain M黮ler. He barely escaped the terrible raid! Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure! Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe! Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe. Schultz: Illustrious Luft... Colonel Klink: Shultz! [a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area] Guard: Nein! Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now. [toasting] Hogan: Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet. Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it? Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men. Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps. Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough. [repeated line] Col. Wilhelm Klink: [on telephone] What was that? [pause] Col. Wilhelm Klink: [muttering] Oh yes, heil Hitler.