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Schultz:
Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them.
Schultz:
Col. Hogan if you ever escape...
Hogan:
Yeah?
Schultz:
Be a good fellow and take me with you.
Hogan:
You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.
[repeated line]
Schultz:
I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!
[a German truck flies by]
Hogan:
There's never a cop when you need one
[Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint]
General:
What is this, you are not Gestapo?
Hogan:
Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.
General:
But I don't want to leave the country.
Hogan:
After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?
General:
I'm coming with you.
[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers]
Carter:
Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.
Hogan:
Carter.
[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]
Colonel Klink:
[to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.
Colonel Klink:
[runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!
[Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence]
Colonel Klink:
Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.
Carter:
Don't we get a trial or anything?
Colonel Klink:
This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.
[repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan]
Major Hochstetter:
WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?
[in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo]
Colonel Klink:
I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.
Captain:
I have orders.
[Hands over papers with orders to Klink]
Colonel Klink:
The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.
[Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper]
Colonel Klink:
"All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the F黨rer."
[energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand]
Colonel Klink:
Glad to have you with us, Captain.
[repeated line]
Colonel Klink:
Dis-missed!
Colonel Klink:
[trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz:
[walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain M黮ler. He barely escaped the terrible raid!
Colonel Klink:
That raid was a complete failure!
Schultz:
No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!
Hogan:
Illustrious Luftwaffe.
Schultz:
Illustrious Luft...
Colonel Klink:
Shultz!
[a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area]
Guard:
Nein!
Newkirk:
Oh no, must be half past ten by now.
[toasting]
Hogan:
Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.
Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?
Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.
Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.
Col. Robert E. Hogan:
No, you're funny enough.
[repeated line]
Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[on telephone] What was that?
[pause]
Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[muttering] Oh yes, heil Hitler.
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