Never Give a Sucker an Even Break(1941)

The Great Man: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help. His Niece: We're falling 2,000 feet! The Great Man: It's all right, dear. Don't start worrying 'til we get down 1,999. The last foot is dangerous. The Great Man: You're about to fall heir to a kitten's stocking. Heckler: What's a kitten's stocking? The Great Man: A sock on the puss. The Great Man: How'd you like to hide the egg and gurgitate a few saucers of mocha java? Waitress: And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands. The Great Man: Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously. Receptionist: Some day you'll drown in a vat of whiskey! The Great Man: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death, where is thy sting? Stewardess: Shall I get you a bromo? The Great Man: No, I couldn't stand the noise. His Niece: Why didn't you ever marry? The Great Man: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. The Producer: This script is an insult to a man's intelligence. Even mine. The Great Man: Suffering sciatica! The Great Man: [in the soda fountain] I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet. [to the camera] The Great Man: This scene's supposed to be in a saloon but the censor cut it out. It'll play just as well this way. Motorcycle Cop: Where do you think you're going, to a fire? The Great Man: Ah... Ah... maternity hospital. Motorcycle Cop: Okay, Tomato-Puss, follow me. His Niece: [as things turn into chaos, at Fields' instigation, shaking her head] My uncle Bill... [then, resolute] His Niece: But I still love him! Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Do you think he drinks? Mrs. Hemogloben: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong. Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Are you really a man? The Great Man: Well, I've been called other things... The Great Man: Have, uh, you any imported cigars? Waitress:

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'Stingeroos', four for a nickel.

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The Great Man: Oh, that's fine. As long as they're imported. [she holds out box of cigars, he takes four] The Great Man: You know, if anybody ever comes in here and gives you a ten dollar tip... uh, scrutinize it carefully. There's a lot of that counterfeit money going around. [she holds out her hand for the money for the cigars] The Great Man: I'll give you the dough. Don't... [puts a coin in her hand] The Great Man: Here... there. Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: The only game I've ever played is bean-bag. The Great Man: Bean-bag... ah, it's very good. Becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris; many people were killed. [they're in the basket trying to figure out how to get it pulled up to the mountaintop - a rock falls on his head] His Niece: Did it hurt you, uncle? The Great Man: No... how could a rock dropping from a thousand feet hurt your head?