赌马风波 (1937) 7.6

[Taking a pulse] Dr. Hackenbush: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. Dr. Hackenbush: If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you. Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar. Mrs. Upjohn: Vassar? But that's a girls' college. Dr. Hackenbush: I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team. Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me. Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, you've taken them before. Mrs. Upjohn: Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake? Dr. Hackenbush: You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby. Whitmore: May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill? Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself. [Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam] Dr. Hackenbush: If that's his adam's apple, he's got yellow fever. Tony: He's got in-grown balloons. [Tony offers Dr. Hackenbush a hint book] Tony: One dollar and you'll remember me all your life. Dr. Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had. [Hackenbush is asked to 'OK' a file] Dr. Hackenbush: I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back later for the 'K.' Flo: Oh doctor. Thank you. Dr. Hackenbush: Thank "yu". Do you like gardenias? Flo: I adore them. How did you know? Dr. Hackenbush: I didn't, so I got you forget-me-nots. One whiff of this and you'll forget everything. [Hackenbush hands her a wilted sunflower. He seats her and pushes in her chair at the table] Flo: Thank you. Dr. Hackenbush: Thank "yu". Flo: [handing him her wrap] Do you mind? Dr. Hackenbush: Not at all. I always take the wrap. Tony: She's in with Whitmore. She's trying to frame you. Flo: Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! [Hackenbush looks at his watch]

2d

Dr. Hackenbush

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: Well, it's early yet. Dr. Hackenbush: It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul! Mrs. Upjohn: Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side. Dr. Leopold X. Steinberg: There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met. Dr. Hackenbush: You don't look as though you've ever met a healthy woman. Gil: Are you a man or a mouse? Dr. Hackenbush: You put a piece of cheese down there and you'll find out. Dr. Hackenbush: [to Dr. Steinberg] Don't point that beard at me! It might go off! Dr. Hackenbush: Emily, I have a confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at another horse. Tony: Have you got a woman in here? Dr. Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted 30 minutes of valuable time. Tony: Have you got a woman in here? Dr. Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time. Tony: Well, that's-a fine. Now we owe the Sheriff a hundred and twenty dollars and a sock. Tony: Hey doc, can you see us? Dr. Hackenbush: If I can't there's something wrong with my glasses. Dr. Hackenbush: Dr. Hackenbush: [examining Stuffy with an auriscope] Dr. Hackenbush: I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde. Tony: Told you he was sick. Dr. Hackenbush: [pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%. Tony: That's bad. Dr. Hackenbush: With a 1% mentality. [Stuffy grins] Dr. Hackenbush: He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at. Tony: Hey doc. Hey doc! Dr. Hackenbush: Huh? Tony: You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself. Dr. Hackenbush: Here's a ten-dollar bill and shoot the change, will you? Tony: I got-a no change. I'll have to give you nine more books. [Stuffy has grabbed some poison to drink] Dr. Hackenbush: Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce! Dr. Hackenbush: She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me. [Dr. Hackenbush is pointing to a portrait of one of Judy's parents] Dr. Hackenbush: You know, I proposed to your mother once. Judy: But that's my father! Dr. Hackenbush: No wonder he turned me down. [Stuffy is getting an examination] Dr. Hackenbush: Say "ah!" [Stuffy opens his mouth, but says nothing] Dr. Hackenbush: Louder! [Stuffy does the same thing] Dr. Hackenbush: Louder! [Stuffy does the same thing. Dr. Hackenbush starts to leave] Tony: What are you doing? Dr. Hackenbush: I'm going to get my ears checked. I'm deaf. Tony: You're not deaf. It's just him. [Talking about Stuffy] Tony: I think he's a ubangi. Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I'll get a hammer and "ubangi" that right off. [referring to Ms. Marlowe] Dr. Hackenbush: You've got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She's come to talk over some old family matters. Tony: I wish I had an aunt look like that. Dr. Hackenbush: Well, take it up with your uncle. Mrs. Upjohn: [who has been instructed by Dr Hackenbush to wave her arms up and down, as part of a physical examination] How long do you want me to do this, Doctor? Dr. Hackenbush: Just until you fly away. [after taking his watch from under Steinberg's gaze and tossing it in a wash basin] Dr. Hackenbush: I'd rather have it rusty than missing. Dr. Hackenbush: I haven't seen so much mudslinging since the last election! Dr. Hackenbush: And I've got a question for you: Steinberg, what do you do with your old razor blades? Tony: [disgused as an ice cream vendor] You wanna something hot? Dr. Hackenbush: Not now, I just ate. Besides I don't like hot ice cream. [Tony is selling Hackenbush one book after another at the race track] Tony: Well, justa by accident I think I gotta one right here. Dr. Hackenbush: A lotta accidents around here for a quiet neighborhood. Tony: We come to hang the paper. Dr. Hackenbush: How about hanging yourselves? Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences. Dr. Hackenbush: Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic. Whitmore: Ah, and what happened? Dr. Hackenbush: I got the flu. Tony: [to Stuffy] Morgan fired you, huh? He wanted you to throw the race? Gil: Wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh? Tony: Yeah, you know he's honest! [Stuffy's hand starts to creep into ice cream cart - Tony slams the lid of his down onto it] Tony: He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little. Tony: Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track! Dr. Hackenbush: I notice he wins all the time. Tony: Aw, just because he comes in first. Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I don't want 'em any better than first. Tony: Getta your tootsie-frootsie ice cream! Judy: If you'll excuse me, I'll go and bring in the rest of the staff. Dr. Hackenbush: [to Whitmore] Why don't you go out and bring in something. Preferably your resignation.