"Nathan Barley" (2005)

Dan: I am not a preacher man!

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Nathan Barley

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: You should come, dollsnatch. It's gonna be total fucking Mexico. Nathan Barley: I'm a self-facilitating media node. Claire Ashcroft: All right, Toby? Toby: I'm a bit cross with you, actually. Claire Ashcroft: With me? Why? Toby: I was waiting for you all night last night in my pyjamas, and you went and let Nathan do a fuck in your arse. Nathan Barley: Trashbat is a night down the pub with your mates and it's fuckin' mental. A move from the pub to the club for some awesome sounds. Choppin' the chalk out, on the cistern, snout it up and [shouts] Nathan Barley: fuckin? the system! Nathan Barley: A taxi home with a bird who's been hitting on you like some kind of industrial hammer, stroking her tits, tending the garden, giving the taxi driver a hard-on. Now back home, fingers roam, phat reggae on the decks, and you feelin' the foam. Trashbat says "Nice and gently, easy as you park the Bentley!" Bring it down. Trashbat is two people leaping from the twin towers and fucking on the way down! Ned Smanks: Keep it foolish! Rufus Onslatt: [hollers] Dan Ashcroft! "The Rise of the Idiots". Awesome fuckin' opinions, dude. Ned Smanks: Yeah, well plastic. Rufus Onslatt: Laterz, dude. Ned Smanks: Keep it foolish. Nathan Barley: [narating for his online video blog] This is the Promo party for the launch of Sugar Ape's "Vice Issue". "The Bat" was down here for boobs, tubes and pubes. This is Nathan Barley for "Trashbat". [introduces] Nathan Barley: Ned Smanks, Rufus Onslatt: Sugar Ape Crew! So what's the fuckin' contact? Rufus Onslatt: Well right yeah. Well the idea, yeah, was to make it look like these models are being molested in a magazine office. Ned Smanks: When actually that's not what was *really* happening. Rufus Onslatt: Yeah, only coz' they were all in on it, yeah, it isn't. Ned Smanks: 'Cept coz' we were actually fucking them, it *kind* of is. Nathan Barley: Yeah, yeah, I touched two of 'em. [laughs moronically] Nathan Barley: [approaches hairdresser] Alright, my man! Hairdresser: Sit. Nathan Barley: Yeah, stout. Hairdresser: What style? Nathan Barley: Geek Pie. Hairdresser: [impatiently hands him illustrating board] Draw. Nathan Barley: [begins illustrating] It's kind of long here, yeah, but short here like its been done at random, but if you look closely, eh, you can see that it hasn't, 'cept you can't tell that... and it's got a few of these in it, yeah paint... lids.

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[hands hairdresser small paint tins]