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Craig Ferguson:
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[holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.
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Craig Ferguson:
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Big props to my homie Mos Def.
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Craig Ferguson:
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Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
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Craig Ferguson:
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I can't live by your rules, man!
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Craig Ferguson:
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[an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...
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Craig Ferguson:
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I only like sports that Bond villains played.
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Craig Ferguson:
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[repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.
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Craig Ferguson:
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I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what i'm saying...
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Craig Ferguson:
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Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
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Craig Ferguson:
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He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
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Craig Ferguson:
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[Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
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Craig Ferguson:
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I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
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Craig Ferguson:
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You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."
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Craig Ferguson:
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[On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
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[Craig is greeting the audience]
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Craig Ferguson:
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Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
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