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"Dave the Barbarian"
(2004)
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[repeated line]
Fang:
I AM NOT A MONKEY!
[repeated line]
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Dave:
Beejabbers!
Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
I'm the master of all evil. THE MASTER OF ALL EVIL! I can't help it if I have an adorably, curly tail.
Dave:
Ready, Lula?
Lula the Magic Sword:
I refuse to come out like this.
Dave:
What's wrong?
Lula the Magic Sword:
Her *ladyship* thought I needed a more "civilized" look.
[she comes out covered with... ]
Dave:
Are those roses?
Lula the Magic Sword:
Yes.
Dave:
Cause I'm ALLERGIC TO ROSES.
Candy:
Don't mess with the prin-cess.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Storyteller: And so, the battle rages on and on, month after month, year after year...
Dave:
Uh, it's only been five minutes.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Storyteller: I don't know why I try.
[performing a musical of his own making]
Dave:
Alas, poor Danish. What is thy filling? Just ask the Danish prince. You're filled with...
[singing]
Dave:
Cheese and sugar / cheese and sugar / with the texture / of a booger...
[fighting a dragon]
Dave:
[to Lula] Come on! Do one of those magic energy blast dealies.
Lula the Magic Sword:
What? And get a nasty letter from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons?
Candy:
Ooh, the new goats are in.
Candy:
This is my secret princess pad. Absolutely NOBODY else knows it's here.
[toilet flush, and Oswidge walks out of the bathroom]
Oswidge:
Sorry, the upstairs one wasn't working.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
Ooooooh, my little piggy ribcage!
[Dave is screaming and running around the world and comes across some polar bears fishing]
Dave:
AHHHHHHHHH!
Polar Bear 1:
What was that?
Polar Bear 2:
If it ain't fish, I ain't interested, that's my motto.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
Here's a fork so you can EAT YOUR WORDS!
Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
[after being crushed by an ogre] You crushed my little piggy spleen!
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
I had that dream again. You know. The one where I do obscene things to penguins with a croquet mallet.
Candy:
We definitely need to get you out of the stable more.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
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Faffy couldn't help but to wonder: would the other dragons like him? Would they be nice to him or would they poke him and call him Jasper?
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Dave:
Can you keep him busy? I've got a plan.
Fang:
You promise your plan isn't, "I bet I can get away while Fang keeps him busy"?
Dave:
Promise.
Dave:
Why should I help her?
Fang:
I think you already know the answer.
Dave:
Right. Because Candy's my sister, and family is very important.
Fang:
I was gonna say because if he didn't, I'd rip off his head and play volleyball with it, but I like his version better.
Bogmelon:
It also works on armpits!
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
...For it is they, they who will suffer!
Candy:
Whatever. Can we go now?
[pause]
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
Yeah.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy:
Get away! I'm too pink to die!
Dave:
But I don't wanna be a barbarian!
Fang:
You did when you were ten!
Dave:
Yes, but I thought it meant a librarian that also cuts hair.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
I made you a song... of joy.
[puts record on]
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
[singing] I had a dream about... some shrieking rats / With red hot pokers, and big pointy hats / They didn't listen to my cries... or screams / But took their nastiness to *wild* extremes!
Dave:
[trying to hide Faffy from Strom the Slayer in a fish bowl] You're going to have to give up this whole *breathing* thing.
Candy:
He was your first owner?
[pointing to Argon]
Candy:
Psshaw, you're like, 20,000 years old.
Lula the Magic Sword:
[preparing to fire energy beam]
[shouts]
Lula the Magic Sword:
What's your point?
Candy:
Uhh... you don't look a day older than 16,
Candy:
Okay, I've figured out a way to get you and Argon back together, but you have to utterly respect my every decision.
Lula the Magic Sword:
How about, instead I don't?
Candy:
Works for me.
Oswidge:
Wow, it's a whole new kind of music! I'm gonna call it Rock & Roll, because it was like being hit with a rock, and I'm hungry for a roll.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse:
And so, with a speed Dave usually reserves for fleeing in terror.
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