Andy:
Hey, I didn't see any coffee.
Jessica:
[throws the hot coffee in his face] See it now?
[Andy screams in pain]
Jessica:
It's working, you're suddenly more sensitive!
Andy:
And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.
Andy:
Look, I've got something to tell you. Ben has a twin, and they've been sharing you.
Jessica:
Yeah, I know.
Andy:
Yeah, but you don't understand. Ben is not always Ben, but sometimes his twin brother.
Jessica:
Uh-huh.
Andy:
Ok, sometimes two babies come out of a lady...
Jessica:
Yeah, I know all about that. First, I had my doubts, but then I decided to bite Ben on the thigh. The next day, the mark wasn't there.
Andy:
[thinking] So much simpler than my plan.
Jessica:
So, anyway, I realized that Ben is an incredibly interesting and intelligent guy, but lame in the sack. But, his brother, who's a complete moron, is amazing in bed. So, if I have an incredibly amazing conversation with one of them, I fake a headache and go home. And, if I'm with a guy who can hardly put a sentence together, I give him a PowerBar and take him back to my place. As long as they don't know I know, I'm completely satisfied!
[pause]
Andy:
You're not like other girls, are ya?
Andy:
I found the perfect guy for you.
Jessica:
What's so great about him?
Andy:
You didn't choose him.
Jessica:
That's definitely good.
Andy:
[thinking] My plan was to tell Ben my grandmother's age, and make sure he remembered it. Then, I was going to bring it up the next time I see him. If he didn't remember her age, that means that he actually is sharing her with his twin.
[cut to a scene of Andy meeting Ben]
Andy:
Hey, Ben! Or as my 84 year old grandmother would say, "Hey Ben, I'm " 84! That's so funny, me and Ben were just talking about how old my 84 year old grandmother is. She can barely walk, cuz she's
[Ben leaves confused. Cut to a scene of Andy in a bar]
Andy:
There he is he just walked in. Hey, Ben! Remember that day when we talked about my 84 year-old grand... Aww, crap.
[thinking]
Andy:
There goes my dream of being a spy.
[Byron just joined a cult]
Andy:
Your religion is the goofy fruit of the Ha Ha bush.
Andy:
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I see why you joined this place.
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Byron:
It's not what you think. Yeah, I'm really into her. But, I can't even have sex with her.
Andy:
How come?
Byron:
I can't have sex 3 months before my initiation rites.
Andy:
How about the other 29 years of your life?
Byron:
[sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha.
[seriously]
Byron:
No. I asked.
Andy:
[thinking] Once again, here's Mr. Pickering, the long-dead founder of this company.
Mr. Pickering:
Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself.
Andy:
[thinking] This is Mr. Pickering, the man who started this company, in the 19th century.
Mr. Pickering:
Well, it seems you've gotten yourself into another predicament.
Andy:
You know, there are pills I could take that would make me stop talking to you.
Wendy:
I've been doing a lot of thinking...
Keith:
She has!
Wendy:
And, Andy, you were kinda right. I didn't succeed with my dream of being a singer. So, I'm going to go to my second dream, which is having a family. That's why, today, I asked Keith to think about where this relationship is really going.
Keith:
Hear that? I have some thinking to do!
Wendy:
All right, I have to go!
[leaves]
Andy:
[narrating] Here's what Keith did.
[Keith stands up and starts strangling Andy]
Andy:
All right, that's not what really happened.
Keith:
Fix it.
Andy:
What?
Keith:
Wendy. She was fine, and you broke her. Fix it.
Andy:
Wendy isn't some toy that broke down! She's a human being that...
Keith:
All you had to do was stand there, and say "Yeah, that's horrible" or "I understand". But, no. You had to get her started on all of this change of life crap. And, now, I actually have to think! Fix it!
Andy:
Yeah, I know, it's horrible.
Keith:
It doesn't work on me! I'm a guy! Now, fix it.
Andy:
Yeah, I know it must be tough.
Keith:
Andy, just fix it.
Andy:
Yeah, I understand.
Keith:
Andy... Shut up and fix it!
Andy:
Damn...
Jessica:
Since this place is already packed with white guys, I think they're going to hire... what's the politically correct term?
Andy:
Another white guy?
Andy:
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Life was great... until it immediately turned to crap.
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Andy:
Okay, smart guy. Jackie says she wants to celebrate our differences.
Byron:
That sounds good.
Andy:
But you said that we're not supposed to see our differences.
Byron:
We really shouldn't.
Andy:
How are we supposed to celebrate them if we can't see them?
Byron:
Well, I guess you're just going to have to ignore as well as celebrate what makes Jackie exactly the same and completely different from everyone else.
Byron:
All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes.
[Freddy is taking Andy and his friends to Rio de Janeiro]
Keith:
I just talked to the pilot. We're not flying to Rio. We're flying to Mississippi.
Wendy:
Mississippi, Brazil?
Freddy Pickering:
There must have been a misunderstanding. I'll go talk to him.
[He walks to the emergency exit]
Freddy Pickering:
.
Jessica:
Uh, the cockpit's that way.
Freddy Pickering:
[as he opens the door] I'm going to sneak up on him!
Ditzy Girl:
[gesturing to piece of paper] Is this a one or an 'L' ?
Keith:
I'm guessing its an 'L' considering its in the middle of the word 'parallel'.
Andy:
We were both interested in what things could do if they were other things.
[Andy is having woman troubles]
Andy's Brain:
You wouldn't have this problem if you killed yourself after the prom like I told you to.
Andy:
I do everything slowly: learning... working...
[long pause]
Andy:
... fleshing out analogies.
Andy's Brain:
[Trying to impress a girl] What would someone cool and suave say?
Andy:
Ants are fascinating
[long pause]
Andy:
sometimes.
Andy's Brain:
Saved it!
Mr. Pickering:
Ahh, sleeping with the help, aren't we? As I say, "What the hell, they're bending over anyway".
Andy:
The talking kangaroo was right.复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制
