Can't Smeg Won't Smeg (1998) 7.4

Ainsley Harriott: Just looks absolutely yummy... What am I doing with this pot? This is nothing like mine. [to Rimmer and Duane] Ainsley Harriott: [shouts] You nicked my pot! Lister: And can I say that I really enjoyed those books you wrote about, you know, sticking your hand up a cow. Brilliant. Literature at it's most... literative. Kryten: He stuck his hand up a cow, sir? Lister: No, it was in a book. Kryten: He stuck his hand in a book and stuck the book up a cow? Talk about a bad read, was it a Jeffrey Archer? Kryten: This is Mr. Harriot, sir. Lister: I bet you got ribbed about that at school? Ainsley Harriott: Ribbed about what? Lister: You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH? Ainsley Harriott: What are you going on about? Kryten: I think what Mr. Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for "Asshole". Ass Hole, AH, Asshole. Ainsley Harriott: Well, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the fifth member of the crew, who has kindly volunteered to be our taste tester... Kryten: Well, actually sir, she didn't so much volunteer, more like lose the Ippy-Dippy. Ainsley Harriott: Welcome, Miss Kristine Kochanski! Ainsley Harriott: Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer. Rimmer: Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here. Ainsley Harriott: I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight. Rimmer: Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil. Lister: We got some wine made from urine recyc. Rimmer: Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss. Lister: But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it? [Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald] Kryten: Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir. Duane Dibbley: I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut! Lister: We've got an insole... Kryten: Er... a Pot Noodle. Lister: Caroline Carmen's ear. Ainsley Harriott: That is totally unhygienic! Lister: No, no, it's been kept in the fridge! Ainsley Harriott: [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking! [Kochanski is reluctantly preparing to taste the food] Ainsley Harriott: Want the blindfold on? Kochanski: I think I'd rather eat the blindfold. Ainsley Harriott: [rushing to a burning pan] The bloody rice is burning! Lister: Well that's not very professional, is it? Ainsley Harriott: [angry] SHUT UP! Lister: Keith Floyd was only fifty quid more, y'know!