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Can't Smeg Won't Smeg
(1998)
- 片 名Can't Smeg Won'...
- 上映时间1998年02月14日(英国)
- 导 演
Ed Bye
-
Ainsley Harriott:
Just looks absolutely yummy... What am I doing with this pot? This is nothing like mine.
[to Rimmer and Duane]
Ainsley Harriott:
[shouts] You nicked my pot!
Lister:
And can I say that I really enjoyed those books you wrote about, you know, sticking your hand up a cow. Brilliant. Literature at it's most... literative.
Kryten:
He stuck his hand up a cow, sir?
Lister:
No, it was in a book.
Kryten:
He stuck his hand in a book and stuck the book up a cow? Talk about a bad read, was it a Jeffrey Archer?
Kryten:
This is Mr. Harriot, sir.
Lister:
I bet you got ribbed about that at school?
Ainsley Harriott:
Ribbed about what?
Lister:
You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH?
Ainsley Harriott:
What are you going on about?
Kryten:
I think what Mr. Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for "Asshole". Ass Hole, AH, Asshole.
Ainsley Harriott:
Well, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the fifth member of the crew, who has kindly volunteered to be our taste tester...
Kryten:
Well, actually sir, she didn't so much volunteer, more like lose the Ippy-Dippy.
Ainsley Harriott:
Welcome, Miss Kristine Kochanski!
Ainsley Harriott:
Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.
Rimmer:
Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.
Ainsley Harriott:
I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.
Rimmer:
Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.
Lister:
We got some wine made from urine recyc.
Rimmer:
Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.
Lister:
But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?
[Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald]
Kryten:
Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.
Duane Dibbley:
I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!
Lister:
We've got an insole...
Kryten:
Er... a Pot Noodle.
Lister:
Caroline Carmen's ear.
Ainsley Harriott:
That is totally unhygienic!
Lister:
No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!
Ainsley Harriott:
[Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!
[Kochanski is reluctantly preparing to taste the food]
Ainsley Harriott:
Want the blindfold on?
Kochanski:
I think I'd rather eat the blindfold.
Ainsley Harriott:
[rushing to a burning pan] The bloody rice is burning!
Lister:
Well that's not very professional, is it?
Ainsley Harriott:
[angry] SHUT UP!
Lister:
Keith Floyd was only fifty quid more, y'know!
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