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A parody of 1950s corporate/industrial films, commissioned by Universal Pictures executives after the studio's purchase by Seagrams, and fea...更多>

经典台词

Sylvester Stallone: [with subtitles] Okay, look, you're gonna tell 'em I don't talk that way, right? I mean, this whole thing has been a gag, it's a put-on, I put the Rocky thing behind me, it's a character. You're gonna work on that, right? You're gonna tell 'em, I mean... Narrator: Sure, brainiac. Narrator: Yes, we can all do our part to make the studio a more beautiful, artist-friendly place. James Cameron: [repeating while planting a tree] Sweeten, enhance, beautify. Sweeten, enhance, beautify. Sweeten, enhance, beautify. Narrator: Looks like James Cameron's got the idea. Narrator: We've also acquired director John Singleton. John Singleton: [to a pile of wood] And... ACTION! Narrator: Here's John on the set of his new movie, "Shut Your Honky-Ass Mouth, Cracker-Boy." John Singleton: And... CUT! Narrator: Multi-media includes books too. That's why Universal owns Putnam-Berkeley, with best-selling authors like Robin Cook. Say, Robin, how does it feel to be with Universal? Robin Cook: I love it; it's, uh, probably the best thing that's happened to me. [grabs book entitled, "Ebola Sucks"] Robin Cook: Here, have you seen my newest book? [opens book to reveal... ] Robin Cook: Pre-written in screenplay format. Saves a lot of time. Now my book can go directly to the movies, which is a real plus because those executives, who can't read, can go see the cute little talking picture. Narrator: [as the back lot tour drives past the Jaws exhibit] Yes, these elements have all combined to make Universal Studios what it is today. But what about tomorrow? If we don't keep in step with the times, things that once were neat and thrilling can become old, and stupid. Tram Driver: [as the tram lurches] Woah! Woah woah woah woah, what is going on here? Ladies and gentlemen, this never happens. [The mechanical shark appears] Tram Driver: Look out! It's a shark! [No one reacts] Tram Driver: Here it comes! A shark is coming! Narrator: That's right. Old, and stupid. Narrator: But what if our gate was more Artist Friendly? We'll start with the guards. Those dark uniforms connote oppression and conformity. [*bing!* The guards' uniforms change] Narrator: But new outfits, with pastel colors and high, pretty collars, seem to say, "I'm your friend, not your enemy." [*bing!* Buttons appear on the shirts, reading, "Universal is A-OK!"] Narrator: How about some inspiring buttons to show our optimism? And what about that security gate? Black and white lines may remind artists of police and fear. [*bing!* The gate is ridiculously decorated] Narrator: But a new gate, with attractive flowers and colorful birds, becomes a lovely decoration, not just a deterrent. [*bing!* Floral arrangements appear around the guard kiosk] Narrator: Now with just a few more changes... [*bing!* A tacky lawn ornament appears] Narrator: And some attractive porcelain deer, our gate is now Artist Friendly, and ready for the future. So how do you feel now, Miss Actress? Traci Lords: I feel welcome and relaxed for a meeting at Universal. [She drives off] Narrator: That's splendid. Too bad the part you want will probably go to Demi Moore. Traci Lords: [car screeches to halt] WHAT? Narrator: Oh, nothing. Here, have a wine cooler, compliments of your new studio. Narrator: Here's the drummer from the hot new band Goldfinger. Say, young whippersnapper, how would you like to be a part of the Universal/MCA corporation? Darrin Pfeiffer: Fuck you. Corporation bullshit, corporate whore... Fuck... Narrator: Ooo! That teen angst sells a lot of records for Universal. Give that man a wine cooler! Darrin Pfeiffer: [takes a swig, does a spit-take] This is shit! Fuck you! Narrator: We also have MCA Records, with rap stars like Heavy D. Heavy D: [very uncomfortable and awkward] Golly... It sure is nifty to be a part of the Universal family. I mean, jeepers, everybody there is just... swell. Golly-willikers... How could I ever go anywhere else? And I mean this. [title card reads, "Universal City Studios"] Narrator: Universal City Studios! [title card reads, "UCS"] Narrator: "Ucks!" And with all of our new changes, no wonder everyone is saying... [title card reads, "It's UCS For Me!"] Narrator: It sucks for me! Narrator: [as camera pans to office block] Now what else will make our studio Artist Friendly? Well, how about that old black tower? In the past, many meetings have taken place there, but some people find it rather unappealing. Fake Mexican: [in fake Spanish, with subtitles] The black tower is very scary. It gives me the creeps. Fake Arab: [in fake Arabic, with subtitles] When I see the black tower, I want to cry. Sylvester Stallone: [in Rocky Balboa character, with subtitles] Oh absolutely; y'know forebodin' is the word that best describes it; y'know it's like real severe, y'know, I mean... Just the name, like..."Black tower," hah, I never wanna go there. Narrator: Say, Shaun Cassidy! Shaun Cassidy: [cheerfully] Who, me? Narrator: How do you like those complimentary wine coolers? Shaun Cassidy: I'm blitzed on this stuff already.

Your Studio and You

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