◎简 介 惠勒和丹尼兄弟俩是一对精力充沛却极度没有责任感，永远处于后进状态的推销员，他们因酒醉后的失控行为、搞坏公司的卡车而被法院判罚。在三个月的牢狱之灾和150个小时的社区服务之间，他们认为150小时比3个月更容易"混"，于是他们选择了社区服务。然而这两个只有一身蛮...更多>
advertisement [from trailer] Wheeler: [sits down] What up, Ronnie? Ronnie: I don't wanna take my pants off! Wheeler: [stunned] What? [from trailer] Ronnie: Suck it, "Reindeer Games"! Danny: I'm not Ben Affleck. Ronnie: You white, then you Ben Affleck. Wheeler: You *are* white. Danny: That's true, I am white. Danny: Can I get a large black coffee? Barista: A what? Danny: Large black coffee. Barista: Do you mean a venti? Danny: No, I mean a large. Barista: Venti is large. Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages. Barista: A venti is a large coffee. Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now? school boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo. Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet. Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her. Gayle Sweeny: Me and the judge have a special relationship... I don't wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs. Martin Gary: [observes Wheeler and Danny having popcorn thrown at them] Martin Gary: I've heard of popcorn in the face, but this is ridiculous! Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants. Gayle Sweeny: Watch your language, Ronnie. Ronnie Shields: My language is English and this mother fucker tried to grab my junk. Gayle Sweeny: Did Wheeler ever expose himself to you? Ronnie: Hell, no! Wheeler: I don't have crabs! What have you been telling these kids? Ronnie: That you have crabs. Wheeler: You sexy like a chocolate strawberry. Ronnie: Honky wanted a fistful of my balls! Danny: [while urinating neon green liquid] Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss. Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine. Wheeler: What did you have for dinner? Danny: Was it cocaine? Kuzzik: Now let us gingerly touch our tips. Esplen: Um... Augie, now that I'm queen... I was wondering if, maybe, you'd want to be my... king? Augie Farks: [grinning] Sure! [pause] Augie Farks: Am I supposed to kiss you now? [Esplen giggles and they kiss] Augie Farks: [to himself] Fuck yeah! Ronnie Shields: Sometimes I call myself "The Booby Watcher", and I have my own comic book. "The Adventures of The Booby Watcher". Danny: Pick us up in two hours. Ronnie: Fuck you, Miss Daisy. Gayle Sweeny: [Appropriately hugging Martin] *This* is a perfectly acceptable hug between a little and a big. [Hugging him from behind] Gayle Sweeny: *This* is not. Wheeler: Well, obviously we're not supposed to buttfuck these kids. Gayle Sweeny: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit? Wheeler: In what way are we full of shit? Danny: Which one of us has the Ph.D? Gayle Sweeny: You're standing over there, and you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up! Gayle Sweeny: Why don't you lay out two lines of your selfishness, which is your blow, draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort! Duane: We are gonna make s'mores with white chocolate. Martin Gary: Oh-ho, I don't know if I agree with that. Danny: God dammit Ronnie! Ronnie Shields: What? Because I'm black you think I did it? Danny: No, because you did it is why I think you did it. Ronnie Shields: [Jumps on tent pole] Danny: Let me tell you something, I am not your big, but I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face. Ronnie Shields: Let's dance, Ben Affleck! Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy? Augie Farks: Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm. Danny: Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad. Danny: Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims? Augie Farks: Would you like to come in and see my turtle? Danny: I'm fine. Ronnie: Of course he has turtle. Danny: No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3. Danny: It's not you, I hate having dinner with people. Danny: I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shake things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring... Gayle Sweeny: I'm not here to service you, I'm here to service these young boys. Augie Farks: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed." "You should not be fighting." "You look like Marvin Hamlisch." I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed" "I will fight." "Who the hell is Marvin Hamlisch?" Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting. Wheeler: That's a good movie. Linda the Teacher: You have been a bad boy. Wheeler: Oh yes I have. Linda the Teacher: You have been misbehaving, and now you need to stay after class. Wheeler: While this is one of my top fantasies, I need to get back to my friend. Linda the Teacher: Are you sure? [She takes off her dress] Wheeler: Oh he'll be fine. He's 10. Beth: Yes, Wheeler? Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real? Beth: That's not a stupid question. Danny: It's real in the game of Monopoly. Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events. Wheeler: Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, and fall towards the earth while rotating, separating almost before they crash into the ground, if and only if they consummate their bird fuck. If they don't, they are willing to accept their death by hard ground. It's the ultimate race against the clock. Augie Farks: Why are you telling me this? Wheeler: Why would I not? Gayle Sweeny: Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules. Wheeler: Are you the coach? Gayle Sweeny: I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization. Danny: Do you like coke? Augie Farks: I like the idea of it more than I actually like it. Kuzzik: Diana has put away her bosom. Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched. Kuzzik: Lets get ready to dance... with swords! Ronnie Shields: Chicken wings, chicken wings, hot dogs and baloney, Chicken and macaroni, Chillin' with my homies, Chicken wings, Chicken wings Kuzzik: Rub-a-dub-dub! Wheeler: [Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo] You see, Ronnie, his *dick* is the gun! Danny: Eight hours down, 142 to go. Wheeler: This sucks ass. Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break. Gayle Sweeny: I know why you are here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered. Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here? Wheeler: It's not poison. It's got juice in it. Ronnie: We are butt suck, chipmunk ass butt! We got ass butt, oh yo ass butt! Wheeler: Come sit on, sit down! Please! Danny? Danny: I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it invokes the concept of "ass" and "butt". Martin Gary: You know, a lot of people don't realize that bushes, just like flowers, emit a wonderful aroma especially at night. Who wants to sniff this bush? Ronnie Shields: You're my PIC, Wheeler. Wheeler: What's a PIC? Ronnie Shields: Partner in crime. You're my PIC. Just don't cock-block me tonight.