advertisement Tank: [sitting watching "Ghost" and crying] God, I'm a fag. Tank: She's gonna cry tears that form "call Dusty". Professor Turner: The truth will set you free but before it does; It's gonna piss you off! Tank: I would kick you in the ass, but my foot might get sucked in. Alexis: Well I would kick you in the dick, but my foot might get Herpes. Professor Turner: One of my teaching assistants and a very, very hard working woman. [teaching assistant exits [ Last night I fucked her to within an inch of her life. True story. I'm champin' her, head through the headboard, and I flip her over and she screams give me a choker. I play the choir boy and say what's that? Starwiped her five minutes later and she's bugging like an epileptic at a strobe light convention. Now I'm getting scared and as I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head she goes [makes farting noise motioning away from mid section] Professor Turner: like an airbag. And that was Tuesday night. Tank: The only funny thing that will ever come out of you, is me! Tank: I tried like a motherfucker to follow you in. But this door does like a lock thing when you are inside. Anyway here is what I'm thinking, we start with a blow job. I turn what most girls think is a chore into a training session. Tank: Is that your phone? Want to Answer your phone? Or are you most interested in me right now? Answer your phone! Oh no wait that is my phone. Tank: How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor. Tank: She could use a little more famine and a little less fried. Rachel: Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important. Tank: Woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmaster air filtration systems. That is important work because without air we couldn't breath. Tank: Look at you all white and thin. I bet if I laid you on this bar she could snort you. Tank: Whats the plan for tonight? Bring this girl back here. Pop open a bottle of chloroform. Insert tab A in slot b, repeat as necessary. Tank: [Holding up number from Alexis, who he just met] Daddy bee's got the honey. Ami: If and buts were cocks and nuts, I'd be getting gang banged right now. Ami: Pretend it is a year aboard. Instead of going to Europe. You are just going to bang a shitload of dudes. Alexis: She's my roommate. Tank: I bet she gives great head. Dwalu: Treat her like a bowling ball [likes three fingers] Dwalu: STRIKE! Tank: How do I bump into her? Craig: She's a high school English teacher. Tank: I can't really hang around high school these days unfortunately. Tank: You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks. Tank: [Addressing Alexis] Well at least I can hide my shame in my pants. What really sucks is having the ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey. Dustin: What about frosting my tips? Tank: What are you, a mini wheat? Tank: [after Dustin's eyebrow has been buzzed off] We can fix this right? Burt: Oh sure, why don't we just pop back into my DeLorean. Professor Turner: She fucks like an epileptic at a strobe light convention. Professor Turner: Making love? what is wrong with you? what is this some red book interview? Hilary: You're like the anti-cupid. Professor Turner: See I always knew your mom was the best it was ever going to get for me. And I never asked the more important question which is, was I the best it was ever going to get for her? Tank: I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day. Tank: What do you call that stuff AJ? AJ: "Afganhi cusho kryptonite". Tank: Killed Superman - I'm just a man Ami: You really like a super special kind of asshole? Tank: And I ride the special kind of asshole bus to school. Tank: I bet back in the day you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie. Merrilee: You bet your sweet ass I was. Tank: You can stop trying to be clever Alexis because the funniest thing that will ever come out of you is me. Tank: If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody fucking masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind FUCK of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks [makes whimpering noise] Tank: . Ok? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it! Heavily Pierced Kid: Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order? Tank: How is the Pizza of Nazareth? Heavily Pierced Kid: People worship it. Hilary: I am deeply offended. Tank: I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously. Kindly Stripper: When it comes to love, there is only one thing you can trust. It's not your friends. It's not your head. Its that little voice inside your clamburger. [In a different voice] Kindly Stripper: Listen to me Tank: Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair. Tank: Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my fuckin' mouth. Lizzy: Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go. Tank: Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. Fuckin' gotdamn what do ya call that shit AJ? AJ: Afghani coush krytonite. Tank: Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man. Lizzy: You really are like a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?