advertisement Dana Marschz: Chuy, you're going to have a magical life. Because no matter where you go, it's always going to be better than Tucson. Dana Marschz: [to Cat] What the fuck is your problem, man? Epiphany Sellars: I still get nervous around ethnics. Cricket Feldstein: You wanna hit me? I would love it if you hit me! I'm married to a Jew, I've got nothing to lose! Dana Marschz: [in commercial] I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now -- but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol! Dana Marschz: It's getting late... and my wife is ovulating. Cricket Feldstein: Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a gangbang. Dana Marschz: Uh... yeah. Cricket Feldstein: Y'know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, 'cause all I ended up doing was giving you free publicity. Dana Marschz: Yeah, and did you see my dressing room? It has a bidet! Elisabeth Shue: That was a sink. Dana Marschz: It was? Dana Marschz: It's a slippery slope... beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail! Epiphany Sellars: What about the acting? Rand Posin: [reading their play's review] "It is perhaps best not to mention the acting. In the theater, actors endeavor to simulate human emotion. Rand Posin and Epiphany Sellars flap their lips and wave their arms like malfunctioning wind-up toys..." Dana Marschz: That's enough! Every trimester we get fisted by this guy! Epiphany Sellars: [to Rand] What's "fisted"? Rand Posin: [genuine or feigned confusion] What? Dana Marschz: I have so much anger. I feel like I've been raped. In the face! Dana Marschz: Oh my god, writing is so hard! Dana Marschz: Goddamn macho bastards and their fear of the arts! Brie Marschz: Maybe it's better that we just can't get pregnant. I feel like we shouldn't pass on this gene pool. Dana Marschz: I work for gas money! That's why I'm always on rollerskates.