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Peanut:
You know how else I know you do drugs? Because your looking in my eye and you actually think I'm looking back.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
My life sucks.
Jeff Dunham:
Maybe you should talk to somebody who's had trouble in their lives as well.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I don't know anybody like that.
Jeff Dunham:
You could talk to Walter.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[Gasps] He's not around here, is he?
Jeff Dunham:
Well yeah, he's back stage.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[Shudders]
Jeff Dunham:
Why are you afraid of Walter?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
He's one mean son of a bitch.
Jeff Dunham:
Well, I'm sorry you're frightened of him.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Thanks
Jeff Dunham:
Can I do anything for you?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Really?
Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, whatever.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Could you hold me? I'm not kidding, just a little bit.
Jeff Dunham:
[Holds Achmed]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Is that Aqua Velva?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh crap, not again.
[Looks at his feet]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Apparently I have polio too.
Jeff Dunham:
Well, anybody with poliosis should certainly... Oh wait.
[laughing]
Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What the fuck is poliosis?
Jeff Dunham:
[reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "... and all through the apartments, / Not a creature was stirring..."
Peanut:
Except for the asshole in 2B. They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs. Oy vey! That's Jewish for "Holy shit!" Nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of "holy shits" in the middle of "The Night Before Christmas," huh?
Jeff Dunham:
Jos? what do you want for Christmas?
Peanut:
I think he needs a bigger stick.
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
That's not what your mother said!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Killing people is easy. Being politically correct is a pain in the ass.
Jeff Dunham:
[Dunham is laughing very hard at what Achmed said and Guitar Guy is laughing too and looks at Dunham] Don't look at me!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
That's what she said!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] Dashing through the sand, / With a bomb strapped to my back, / I have a nasty plan / For Christmas in Iraq. / I got through Checkpoint A, / But not through checkpoint B. / That's when I got shot in the ass / By the U.S. military.
[the audience applauds]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[spoken] Silence! I'm not finished!
[audience laughs]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
And this is a sad song!
[singing]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / Mine blew up, you see. / Where are all the virgins / That Bin Laden promised me? / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / U.S. soldiers shot me dead. / The only thing that I have left / Is this towel upon my head. / I used to be a man, / But every time I cough, / Thanks to Uncle Sam, / My nuts keep falling off.
[Dunham and Guitar Guy look at where Achmed's groin should be]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[spoken] Stop looking, you perverts!
[to a woman in the audience]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
You can look, badonkadonk chick. And I have an Irish wiener. It's magically delicious!
[to Dunham]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Okay, that's funny. I give you that one. That was good.
[singing]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
My bombing days are done. / I need to find some work. / Perhaps it would be much safer / As a convenient store night clerk. / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / I think I am screwed. / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / Or I kill you!
[reading "The Night Before Christmas"]
Jeff Dunham:
"'Twas the night before Christmas..."
Peanut:
And all the Jews were at the movies!
Peanut:
[singing to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"] Oh, Jef-fa-fa, Oh Jef-fa-fa, / Without me, you would su-ca-ka. / Oh, Jef-fa-fa, Oh, Jef-fa-fa, / You are my bitch!
Jeff Dunham:
Hello Achmed
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[whispers] Shh! Don't call my name!
Jeff Dunham:
Why not?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I am incognito
[waits a moment]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[With a nasty laugh] I have now successfully blended into your society... Thanks to this master disguise
[frowns]
Walter:
[Looking around the theatre] They did a hell of a job painting the gym!
[Looks up at the top balcony]
Walter:
Hello up there! Jump!
Jeff Dunham:
So how was the skiing?
Peanut:
Great!
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
I had to snowboard.
Jeff Dunham:
[asking about the ski trip where Achmed broke his leg] So, when did this happen?
Peanut:
During the avalanche...
Jeff Dunham:
Avalanche?
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
Achmed started it.
Peanut:
We told him not bring that bomb!
Jeff Dunham:
[Jeff looks at Peanut in disbelief] He had a bomb?
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
On a stick.
Jeff Dunham:
[Jeff is once more looking around in disbelief] And why did Achmed have a bomb?
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
I think he's a work-o-holic...
Jeff Dunham:
So what happened after the avalanche?
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
We were trapped in the snow for three days.
Jeff Dunham:
Wow. Did you have anything to eat?
Peanut:
[whispering to Jeff] A Jalape駉...
[nods at Jos椟/i>]
Jeff Dunham:
What I'd like to do is something that's been a tradition every Christmas Eve in my family for many years.
Peanut:
We're going to get drunk and throw up.
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham:
[speaking to Jose] How do you celebrate the holidays?
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
We wake up in the morning...
Peanut:
And then they take a nap.
Jeff Dunham:
[reading "The Night Before Christmas"] "'Twas the night before Christmas..."
Peanut:
And all the Jews were at the movies!
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
I've got a favor to ask of you, infidel.
Jeff Dunham:
What?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
When we're finished here, will you come caroling with me?
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
What?
Jeff Dunham:
You go Christmas caroling?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, yes. I love to Christmas carol.
Jeff Dunham:
Like, what do you sing?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Umm... "Bin Laden is Coming to Town."
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
"O Holy Crap."
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
[to the tune of "O Holy Night"] Oh, holy crap. I think I blew my foot off.
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
And then my favorite: "SILENCE! Night."
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Thank you. And then I've got another one: "Jingle Bombs." Would you like me to sing "Jingle Bombs"?
Jeff Dunham:
You can sing?
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Oh, yes.
Jeff Dunham:
All right. What the heck?
[after Guitar Guy plays a short string of stereotypical Arabic music]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
You racist bastard!
[laughter]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Is that what you think I like?
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham:
Jose does not run to the border.
Peanut:
You're right. He goes "doing, doing, doing doingdoingdoing."
[laughter]
Jeff Dunham:
[Peanut and Jose told Jeff they all went skiing] So how did the trip go?
Peanut:
It was a disaster.
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
Si.
Jeff Dunham:
What happened?
Peanut:
Achmed broke his leg.
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
The bone was sticking out.
Peanut:
It's always sticking out.
Jeff Dunham:
Did you put a splint on it?
Peanut:
Of course.
Jeff Dunham:
What'd you use?
José Jalapeño on a Stick:
Me.
Jeff Dunham:
[In The Christmas Tips Feature] Remember, never use electric lights on a metallic Christmas tree.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Or the tree could EXPLODE and then you'd look like me.
[laughs Evilly]
Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
Merry Christmas, infidels!复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制
