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[Upon a planet of enslaved canine beings]
Jack:
Even dogs should not have to live like dogs.
Aku:
Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future where my evil is law. Now the fool seeks to return to the past and undo the future that is Aku.
Aku:
Once again, I am free to smite the world as I did in days long past.
Aku:
Who dares to summon the Master of Masters, the Deliverer of Darkness, the Shogun of Sorrow, Aku?
Jack:
No matter what form you take, Aku, you will never defeat the side of righteousness.
Jack:
We are in no condition to fight these odds.
Scottsman:
[gruffly] Especially not with a pajama wearin' daisy strapped to me wrist.
Aku:
You can fly?
Jack:
No, jump good.
Head Gangster:
[talking of a bomb] The gift that keeps on givin'.
Jack:
Who are you, and why did you help me?
Ikra:
You're welcome.
Jack:
...My time in this land has made me harsh and rude. I did not mean to insult you.
Ikra:
No tears shed samurai.
Jack:
-Jack.
Ikra:
What?
Jack:
It is what the people of this land have named me.
Ikra:
O-kaaay.
[Jack was knocked out a bounty hunter]
Jack:
Looks like there'll be no money for you, crazy round man.
[upon bringing Jack to a bustling sea port]
Scottsman:
Ye will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy... and the crab cakes aren't bad either.
Aku:
Who dares to summon... Oh, it is YOU.
Aku:
The beast was struck, and was transformed, into... BEEEEEEF JERRRRRRRKY.
Aku:
You have failed me Demongo.
Demongo:
Master. Please forgive me.
Aku:
Hmmm... NO.
Scissorsmith:
When you get to the fork in the road take the rocky path. It would take you to the dragons lair.
Jack:
Where would the other one take me?
Scissorsmith:
Space Ace.
Jack:
Who else wants some?
Aku:
Once upon a time there was a sweet little girl, with a red riding cape and GREAT FLAAAAMING EYEBROWS!
Jack:
I fear no man.
Scottsman:
Oh, that's some tough talk from someone who wears a basket on his head.
Jack:
That pillar did not move by itself, Aku!
Aku:
[shiftily] Yes, it did.
Aku:
Oh, put that thing away, Samurai. We all know what's going to happen. You'll swing your sword, I'll fly away, and probably say something like, "I'll be back, Samurai!" And then I'll flutter over the horizon and we probably won't see each for... about a week. And then we'll do the same thing again.
Jack:
Your word play will not trick me, villain!
[he attacks Aku]
Aku:
I'll be back, Samurai - you'll see! Bwah-ha-ha-ha.
[flutters over the horizon then reappears]
Aku:
See what I mean?
Aku:
[dials phone number] Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Yes, I can hold. Yes, I would like to place an order for delivery. Aku. I think I'm in the computer. Yes, that's it. I'd like a large... uh? What? Extra thick! 30 minutes or it's free - excellent! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
Jack:
Aku!
Aku:
Yes, it is I, Samurai Jack.
[Aku rolls his eyes]
Aku:
How incredibly observant you are.
Emperor:
[speaking to young Jack] The evil shapeshifting wizard Aku arose from the bowels of hatred to ravage our land. I was a young emperor at the time and was helpless against his powers. But I remembered our grandfather's-grandfather's stories about three monks, who were gifted with mystical powers. I rode to the highest peak of the mountainside, where the monks agreed to forge me an enchanted sword with great magic. Armed with the sword and the hope of my people, I plunged into battle against Aku. His evil was no match for the power of righteousness, and with the sword's magic, Aku's demon forces were implanted into the earth, forever petrifying him into the wasteland that he created. Through years of hard work, we have rebuilt our glorious past with hopes never to encounter an evil such as Aku again. Always be alert, my son, for the presence of evil is sometimes right behind you.
Additional Voices:
Heeeeelp... meeeeee...
Lazzor:
We are forever grateful, great warrior, for your deeds done today. If there is anything that you seek, please honor us, by letting us help you.
Mantoid:
You have been found guilty of breaking Aku Law 101 and 203: Habitation in an unauthorized facility, and unauthorized construction of an escape vehicle. Your punishment is extermination.
General:
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a9
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I beg you, reconsider. There are only three archers defending the magic well, yet they decimated my whole army. You are just one man. Do the math. Why attempt it?
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fe8
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Jack:
That well could get me home.
General:
There are other ways to get home.
Jack:
Not for me.
Jack:
[Jack has been defeated while fighting blind-folded] It's no use. No one can fight like this!
Grand Master:
A great warrior must be in tune with *all* of his senses. Only then will you be able to extend your awareness so that you may fight on any level. Try again.
Jack:
Yes, Sifu.
Archer #1:
[speaking of Jack] The greatest of warriors.
Archer #2:
A noble spirit.
Archer #3:
Such sacrifice.
Fishman:
[Jack is about to enjoy his tea in a seedy bar] You got some kinda nerve. Here what I'm sayin'?
[Jack ignores him]
Fishman:
I'm talking to you! You got some gump comin' here, know what I mean? Better finish that drink quick, cuz you might not *live* much longer. Aku's offering two googleplex for your head. Two googleplex, that's a *lot* of money. And we aim to collect it. Right about now.
[Jack dispatches the room, then finishes his tea]
Mad Jack:
What the heck is going on?
Jack:
You have lost. The battle is over.
Mad Jack:
What?
Jack:
You are my inner demon. You have been born from the hatred within me. But now, the hatred is no more. Thus, you do not exist.
Jack:
[Jack looks to the heavens, speaking to Aku] I know you're watching. These tricks are starting to annoy me.
Viking:
Come.
Jack:
That voice beckons me further in. Surely he takes me for a fool to follow deeper into his traps.
Jack:
[the floor and spike-covered ceiling begin to converge] A fool I be!
Viking:
Yeeeeeeessssss. At last, after all these years, a worthy opponent.
Jack:
Enough of this pointless battle. I will continue to fight you no more.
Viking:
[strikes] I say thee nay!
X-49:
Lulu... Sweet thing... I miss her. I hate the rain. It makes me all... sentimental.
X-49:
[after been defeated by Jack, about his dog] Lulu. Take care of Lulu.
Jack:
[Is only allowed one question to decide which of the two worms is the "magic" worm, armed only with the knowledge that one tells the truth and the other lies] If you were your brother, which one would you say was the magic worm?
Worm #2:
Which one are you asking?
Jack:
It doesn't matter.
Worm #2:
Hmmm. That's easy. It's him!
Worm #1:
Of course! It's me!
Jack:
Then I choose *you*.
[chooses Worm #2 instead]
Worm #1:
He knows!
Worm #2:
What makes you choose me? I told you it was him!
Worm #1:
Yes, me!
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Jack
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:
If you were the truth-telling one then what you said would be a lie because you will answer truthfully what your lying brother will say. Therefore I can safely say that the answer will be the opposite of what you say. On the other hand if you were the lying worm then you will tell me what your truth-telling brother will say but it would be a lie, therefore the answer will also be the opposite of what you say. Understand?
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