advertisement [Upon finding out his Roman name] Hades: They named me "Pluto"? What kind of a name is "Pluto"? I wouldn't call my dog "Pluto". Arachne: I prefer to be called a "freelance web designer." Hades: Have your minions call my minions. Hades: Welcome to the Afterlife, the Unhappiest Place under Earth. Nemesis: You're so stupid, you think a minotaur is a short trip. Parenthesis: For generations we've used the oracular reading of oxen guts to predict our student's careers, or lack thereof. Hercules: Eeeyugh. Couldn't you use some sort of aptitude test instead? Parenthesis: We tried that. The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%. Poseidon: Say, brother, did I ever tell you about when I invented the marine mammal? Hades: Uh, yeah, Poseidon, about a zillion times... Poseidon: 'Course, the first few drowned. You know, mammals. Then it hit me: blowhole. Zeus: Chill out, Hades. [Blows out Hades' hair] Zeus: Look at that. I should make a wish. Hades: Lord of the Underworld: How about a death wish? Hades: Lord of the Underworld: Everybody's happy. Well, I'm happy. Everyone else is wracked with pain. Nice. Hades: I know you're out there, I can hear you rotting. Hades: My business is dead people. If I have no dead people, my business is dead, people. Zeus: Oh, Hades. I was just looking for the Little Gods' Room. Hades: Go in the pool. Zeus: Is that sanitary? Hades: Why. Do they do that? What is that, some kind of verbal diarrhea? Hades: Oh, look, a flower. Nature's little reminder... that I LOATHE spring. Hades: Hi, kids! Name's Hades and I'm your new principal. I'll be instituting a new educational paradigm based on the three Rs: revenge, requital, and retribution. You'll love it. And get this. There is no homework. [Students cheer] Hades: Because you don't get to go home. [Pain and Panic have to stop Icarus from kissing Cassandra] Pain: He's going to kiss somebody? I have to get out more. I could do okay. Hades: C'mon, I haven't got all day. What am I talking about? I have eternity; I just don't want to spend it with you two. Icarus: Herc, you need a guy who's in the know, someone who can plug you to the epicenter of the chic Greek elite. Hercules: Gee, that'd be great! Icarus: Yeah, wouldn't it? I'm not that guy. Ares: Remember: make war, not love. [the Argonauts are greeted by nymphs who invite them to stay in their island forever] Jason of the Argonauts: Well, it's obvious what's happening here. These nymphs are trying to keep us from our quest. Bootes: No, that's just a bonus. [Jason has found the Golden Fleece and is rubbing in on his hair] Jason of the Argonauts: How's my hair? Black as pitch? Hercules: Ah, no. Sorry. Jason of the Argonauts: Oh well. I hear some fellow Grecians are working on a formula for that, anyway. Hercules: Zeusapalooza? This is not dad's style at all. Cassandra: This isn't anyone's style. Icarus: Woo! Bring on the big Z, baby! Zeus: [about to smite Salmoneus] Blasphemous infidel on the side pocket. Tiresias: I used to have vast knowledge. Now they pin my room number on me. Icarus: Yes, my friends, there's a lot to be learned from our elders. For example, if I had listened to Daedalus and not flown into the sun with wax wings... Cassandra: ...You wouldn't be famous for doing something stupidly reckless. Icarus: Oh, man! I was this close to wisdom! This close! [At the retirement home, Adonis has one of the boarders cleaning his feet] Hercules: Adonis, aren't you supposed to be helping him? Adonis: Oh, but I am. I'm giving him gainful employment. Does wonders for the self esteem. Hercules: His, or yours? Adonis: It's a win-win. Daedalus: Behold, the fundamental machine: the lever. Sublimely simple. Say it with me. Hercules: I got it. Daedalus: No, say lever! Never mind. Here's a working model. As my close personal friend Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever long enough, a fulcrum high enough, a place to stand, and I'll kiss you on the nose." He was a strange man. Hades: [taking Poseidon's trident from Hercules] Who wants trident? I do, I do! Didn't you read the fine print on this? For ages immortal and up. Cassandra: I can't believe all the trouble I've caused. It's so much better when you guys cause the trouble, and I get to sarcastically comment. Cassandra: I'm not your sassy Cassie! I'm not your Cassie lassie! I'm not your anything and anything that stupidly rhymes with the first thing! Adonis: There's been a change in the menu. There will be no feasting on flesh today. Instead you shall taste my blade. [Hands his sword to a servant] Adonis: Here, make him taste my blade. [Hercules and Adonis are trying to impress Circe] Adonis: First of all, look at this tan. Have you ever seen such a beautiful sight? Hercules: Yes, as a matter of fact, on Mount Olympus. That's my home, you know. Or it will be, once I achieve my fullest potencial. Adonis: Yes, and you will live there with all your elf and pixie friends. Right, Hercules? What fun! [Whispering to Circe] Adonis: He's crazy. Gaia: Who dares disturb the slumber of Gaia? Adonis: [Points to a worker] That's him! The one with the pickaxe! The soon-to-be-cursed chap wearing the thing. Gaia: You arrogant, little mortal! I see through your flimsy lies! Adonis: Would sturdier lies help? I could shore them up with some half-truths. [Hercules has been tied to a target by Ares and launched into the air. Ares' arrow splits the target in two, leaving Hercules with two 'wings'] Icarus: Flap, man! Flap! Cassandra: Yeah, *that'll* work! Hercules: Wow! Is this what it was like to fly, Icarus? [Ares shoots the "wings" off him and Hercules flaps his arms desperately in the air for a few seconds before plummeting down] Icarus: Yeah... that was pretty much it. Course, I got more sun. Cassandra: Come with me if you want to live. Cassandra: Is that the underground boat ride in the dark? Icarus: Really dark. Give you any ideas? [growls] Cassandra: Yeah! No-one will see me push you over. Let's go! Pain: What evil can we inflict for you? Vengeance? Torture? Adult contemporary music? [Pain and Panic are in King Croesus' dungeon, checking out his torture devices] Pain: Look at all this stuff! Croesus has a much bigger budget than Hades. Panic: A portable evicerator! I can't wait to try this baby out. Pain: Ooh! Ooh! A Flay-Z-Boy recliner! Panic: It's so many toys! I can't decide! Oh, this *is* torture! Icarus: [about Homer] He's always following you around. It's so creepy. How can you stand it? Cassandra: Years of practice. [Atlantis is sinking; King Croesus has summoned Hades for help] Hades: Look, Babe, your check bounced. Seems your bank went under. [shot of bank sinking in flood] Hades: And from the looks of it, so will you in about ten minutes. Oh, that's right, you're not a good swimmer. Better make that five. Poseidon: I may not be richer than Croesus, but I'm a god. You can't throw money at me and get what you want. [Croesus gives him a check] Poseidon: Whoa! That's a lot of sardines. Daedalus: My class plan for today was to build this, a flying machine made of cypress reeds and sheep bladders. But the school board feels it's too *edgy*; so instead, we shall spit in the eye of divine inspiration and construct... a birdhouse. [bites fist] [Daedalus is having his possessions loaded into a boat] Daedalus: Gently, gently. Those crates contain my life's work. Dockworker: [drops a crate] Oops! Oh, well. Daedalus: That's not gently! Be careful. That is one of my greatest inventions, the pulley. Dockworker: What's a pulley? Daedalus: That's a pulley. A system of rotors that give a mechanical advantage in lifting heavy loads with comparative ease. Dockworker: Can we use it on these back-breaking crates? It would really help us out. Daedalus: No, you'll scratch it. Minotaur: Oh, so I'm a monster now? I couldn't pick my parents, you know.