Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you. Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in? Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle. Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum? Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs. Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer. Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son? Man: [aggressively] What do you want? Ace Ventura: HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you. Man: Sounds broken. Ace Ventura: Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though. Ace Ventura: Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom. [whispering loudly] Ace Ventura: I think it's the paté. Ronald Camp: Sure, right over there. Ace Ventura: Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh? Ronald Camp: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace. Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed. [Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura] Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one? Ace Ventura:
Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife.
[Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror] Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear. [Ace Ventura just got his car started] Ace Ventura: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE. Lois Einhorn: Alright, Ventura. Make it quick. Ace Ventura: I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter! Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger. Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you're ugly. Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell? Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then. Melissa: You really love animals, don't you? Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough. Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head] Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts. Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle? [Ace sucks in a huge breath of air] Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American. Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys? Ace Ventura: No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland. Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone. Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have. [Ventura knocks on the door] Woodstock: What's the password? Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder. Woodstock: Is that the red or the white? Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White. [Door opens] Ace Ventura: Yes. Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa. Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.