Gale: Hey, you'd better check your conscience at the door sweetie, we're not here to be loved. Cotton: I don't know about homicide, but you've sure got me for raising my voice in a public library. Gale: Look, local woman! I know you hold me up as your career template and that it gives you some sort of charge to challenge me, but give it a rest. Gale: So what do you want to do, bonehead? Just sit here and wait to see who drops next? Dewey: I don't know. [Gale's phone rings] Dewey: Phonehead! Debbie: [after shooting Mickey] Two birds, one stone. [Sidney continues to sob and gasp] Debbie: Oh! Mickey was a good boy, but my God! That whole "Blame-the-movies" motive? Did you buy that for one second? The poor boy was completely out of his mind. [Kicks Mickey's body] Sydney: And you're not? Debbie: No. I'm very sane. [Reaches down to pick Mickey's gun up] Debbie: My motive isn't as 90's as Mickey's. Mine is just good, old-fashioned revenge. You killed my son! And now I kill you, and I can't think of anything more rational! Sydney: You're never gonna get away with this. Debbie: Oh, of course I will! [Takes out a cloth to clean her fingerprints off of the gun] Debbie: Everything's traceable back to Mickey. Including the cop gun he used to kill everybody. But let's just suppose that you had gotten hold of the other cop's gun. And you chased Mickey, and there was a big shoot-out, and a big scuffle. And you shot Mickey! Killed Mickey dead! [Throws the gun way over to the stage] Debbie: But not before he got off one shot at you! Okay. So, have I covered everything? Are there any questions? Any comments? You know what, though? [Sidney tries to run, but Mrs. Loomis points the gun at her on the other side of the column] Debbie: Who gives a flyin' fuck, anyway? Let 'em try and track down the second possible killer! Debbie Salt doesn't exist! Sydney: I want to know who it is. Hallie: No, no, Sid!
: I'm going back! Hallie: Stupid people go back! Smart people run! We're smart people, so we should just get the fuck outta here! Joel: I'm gonna get some donuts, some Prozac; see if I can't find some crack, Special K, X... not Malcom, and I'll be back when y'all find a subject more "Saved By The Bell"-ish! Mickey: It's all about Execution. Execution, Execution, Execution! Mickey: You should really deal with your trust issues Sid: I mean, poor Derek. He's completely innocent. And such a nice boy too. He's bright and funny and handsome. Decent singing voice. And he was going to be a doctor. This is just the kinda boy you'd like to take home to mom. If you had a mom. Sydney: Fuck you! Mickey: So vulgar! Did Billy let you talk to him like that? Sydney: Billy was a sick fuck just like you! Mickey: No. Billy was a sick fuck who tried to get away with it. Mickey is the sick fuck who wants to get caught, yea! See I got my whole defense planned out. I'm gonna blame the movies. Pretty cool huh? It's never been done before. You see, this is just the beginning, a prelude to the trial. That's where the real fun is 'cause these days it's all about the trial. Can you see it? The effects on cinema violence on society. I'll get Dershowitz or Cochran to represent me. Bob Doll on the witness stand in my defense. Hell the Christian Coalition 'll pay my legal fees. It's airtight Sid. I'm an innocent victim. Sydney: You're a psychotic. Mickey: Yea, well. Shh... [whispers] Mickey: that'll be our little secret. Cause people love a good trial. It's like theater. They're dyin' for it. And I've worked hard to give the audience what they want. That's what Billy was good at. He knew... It's all about... execution. Sydney: Yea? Well, you're forgetting one thing about Billy Loomis Mickey: What's that? Sydney: I fucking killed him! Maureen Evans: [to the disguised killer next to her] See, if that was me, I'd be running! Mickey: It's a perfect example of life imitating art imitating life. Sorority girl: Hi Sydney! No, I really mean that, hi! Hallie: I like the little furry things. Mickey: Ewoks, they blow. Dewey: Look, Gale's no killer. Randy: Ok, all right then, but if she's not a killer, she's a target. Dewey: When did she start smoking? Randy: Ever since those nude pictures on the internet. Gale: It was just my head, it was Jennifer Aniston's body! Randy:
I cannot believe it, they get Tori Spelling to play Syd, and they cast Joe Blow nobody to play me. At least you get David Schwimmer. I get the guy who drove the stagecoach for one episode of Dr. Quinn!
Randy: Sydney, look, it's Gale Weathers. Sydney: What? Randy: Star of the Gale Weathers press conference. Author of the press conference starring Gale Weathers. Soon to be a major motion picture starring Gale Weathers! Gale: I feel bad Dewey, I feel really bad! I never say that cause I never feel bad about anything, but I feel bad now. Dewey: Is this just another brilliant Gale Weathers performance? Gale: There are no cameras here, I just wanna find this fucker! I really do. Gale: It's happening again, isn't it? Dewey: You'd love that, wouldn't you? Better hurry Gale, you wouldn't want to get scooped. Gale: So I am heading down to Admissions to do some legwork, you game? Dewey: I'm not here to write a book Miss Weathers, I'm here to help Syd. Gale: I wanna help her too, and help myself. Come on Dewey, smile for me once, please! Dewey: I smile when I catch the killer. Debbie: Please Miss Weathers, it would be such an honor if I could get a quote from you for my story. Gale: All right. Begin quote. Debbie: Great. Gale: Your flattering remarks are both desperate and obvious. End quote! Mickey: Oh come on Randy, with all due respect, the killer obvious patterned himself after two serial killers who were immortalized on film. Guy #2: Thank you! Professor: So, you're saying that someone is trying to make a real life sequel? Randy: "Stab 2"? Why would anyone want to do that? Sequels suck! [to the killer] Cici: Who are you calling for? Phone Voice: What if I said you? Cici: What if I said goodbye? Phone Voice: Why would you want to do that? Cici: Why do you always answer a question with a question? Phone Voice: I'm inquisitive. Cici: Yeah, and I'm impatient, do you wanna leave a message for somebody? Phone Voice: Do you want to die tonight, Cici? Dewey: How do you know that my dimwitted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation, used to lower people's expectations, thereby enhancing my ability to effectively manuever within any given situation? Phone Voice: What's your favorite scary movie? Randy: Showgirls. Absolutely frightening. [Answering phone] Sydney: Hello? Hello? Phone Voice: Hello Sidney. Sydney: Yes? Phone Voice: What's your favorite scary movie? Sydney: Who is this? Phone Voice: You tell me. Sydney: [picks up caller ID] Cory Gillis, 555-0176. Phone Voice: Shit! Sydney: Hot flash Cory... Phone Voice: Shit! Sydney: ...prank calls are a criminal offense prosecuted under penal code 653M. [Caller hangs up] Sydney: Hope you enjoyed the movie. Randy: I'd let the geek get the girl. Maureen Evans: Bitch, hang up the phone and star-69 his ass! [after the Sorority Girls left] Mickey: They are a bunch of little, fucking... Hallie: Hey, I applied for a membership in this group Cici: Drink with your brains, that's our motto. Joel: Brothers don't last long in situations like this. Mickey: You should really deal with your trust issues Sid. I mean, poor Derek, hes completely innocent, and such a nice boy too. He's bright, funny, handsome, he has a great singing voice, and he was gonna be a doctor. This is just the kind of guy you'd love to bring home to mom... IF YOU HAD A MOM! Sydney: Billy was a sick fuck just like you. Mickey: Ohhhh, so vulgar! Did Billy let you talk to him like this? Sydney: You're a psychotic. Mickey: Ya well SHHHH [whispers] Mickey: That'll be our little secret. Randy: Oh please! By definition alone, sequels are inferior films! Randy: Showgirls. Absolutely frightening. What's yours? [runs to a girl on cell phone, its not the killer] Randy: Wait, let me guess. The house on sorority row? The dorm that dripped blood? Splatter university? Graduation day? Final exam? Am I close? Phone Voice: Why are you even here Randy? You'll never be the leading man. Randy: Fuck you! Phone Voice: No matter how hard you try you'll never be the hero and you'll never ever get the girl. Randy: Oh yeah? We'll lets re-direct a moment Mr. I'm so original. Where's your motivation? Huh? Stu was a pussy ass wet rag. And Billy Loomis? Billy Loomis, what the fuck? Jesus! What a rat looking homo repressed momma's boy! Why not set your goals higher huh? You wanna be one of the big boys! Huh? Manson, Bundie, O.J, Son of... Maureen Evans:
Why is she naked? What has that got to do with the plot; her being butt ass naked?
Phil Stevens: I don't know about the plot but I got a stiff one. Mickey: How about Empire Strikes Back. Improved graphics. Better storyline. Randy: Not a sequel, part of a trilogy, completely planned. Randy: Mickey, the freaky Tarantino film student. But if he's a suspect, so am I. Lets move on. Dewey: Wait a minute. Maybe you are a suspect. Randy: Well if I'm a suspect than you're a suspect. Dewey: OK. Let's move on. Randy: [from the trailer] There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to create a successful sequel. Number one: the body count is always bigger. Number two: the death scenes are always much more elaborate - more blood, more gore - *carnage candy*. And number three: never, ever, under any circumstances, assume the killer is dead. Derek: I am gonna fucking kill you! FUCKING KILL YOU! You are dead! DEAD! Mickey: Just wait until the trial. It is gonna rock! Mrs.Loomis: Oh, Mickey, there isn't going to be a trial. [shoots Mickey 5 times in the chest] Sorority Sister Murphy: How are you holding up? Sydney: I'm coping. Sorority Sister Murphy: And this is all because of you. I mean, not directly, but in some far-fetched six degrees of Kevin Bacon-way. Mrs.Loomis: [after shooting Mickey and Mickey shoots Gale] Two birds, one stone. Phone Voice: Have you ever felt a knife rip through human flesh and scrape the bone beneath? Sydney: [referring to who the killer is] Mrs. Loomis? Gale: [shocked] What? Mickey: BILLY'S MOTHER! [Gale turns around and sees Mickey] Mickey: Nice twist huh? Didn't see it coming, did you? [laughs] Gale: [still shocked] Jesus. It can't be, I've seen pictures of you. Sydney: Loses 60 pounds and a lot of work later. Debbie: [takes off her trench coat] It's called a makeover. You should try it. Look a little tired yourself there, Gale! Dewey: Typically, serial killers are white male. Randy: That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhies was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's bad for your teeth. Sydney: You're as crazy as your son was! Debbie: [shocked] What did you just say? [Sidney trembles]
: Was that a negative, disparaging remark about my son? About my Billy? Sydney: No, Billy was a good boy. Billy was perfect, you did a bang-up job Mrs. Loomis. Debbie: It's not wise to patronize me with a gun Sidney! Randy spoke poorly of Billy and I got a little knife happy. Joel: I didn't read your book before I took this assignment, but I'm reading it now. Whoa! I read what happened to your cameraman. The guy was gutted. Gale: He was not gutted, I made that up. His throat was slashed. Joel: Throat slashed, gutted, the guy ain't in the union no more!