advertisement Carl Kolchak: F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, "The rich are different than you and me." They sure are. They got more money. Carl Kolchak: I promised I'd show up with a haircut, a new hat, and pressed suit... but I lie a lot. Carl Kolchak: Is there anybody important here? Receptionist: No, just reporters. Carl Kolchak: There's two things that just can't be rushed - anyone who is paid by the hour, and an office-building elevator. Carl Kolchak: We all have rats, sir. You should see the one I work for. Carl Kolchak: You must really enjoy your work. Nurse Eisen: A well-done autopsy is a joy forever. Carl Kolchak: Son, I've seen more dead bodies than you've had TV dinners. Carl Kolchak: Captain Leo Winwood and I had a relationship that was long and bloody, like the Crusades, only without the chivalry. Carl Kolchak: What happened to "I'm okay, you're okay"? Siska: Well, to tell you the truth, you're not okay. The people in group therapy didn't tell me I was ever going to meet somebody as un-okay as you are. Carl Kolchak: If you want a job done right, you just have to foul it up yourself. Carl Kolchak: You should meet my boss. He'd turn Buddha into a chain smoker. Carl Kolchak: Exactly what don't you like about this hat? Tony Vincenzo: What's under it. Tony Vincenzo: You know, I once thought about entering the priesthood-... Carl Kolchak: Then the Inquisition ended, and all of the fun went out of it for you. Tony Vincenzo: I'm tired of it, Kolchak. I'm fed up! I've got a brother-in-law who's got a fourteen-year-old kid he's always bailing out of juvenile hall, but I've got you, and you're worse! [after being drugged by government agents] Carl Kolchak: I don't know when exactly I was in this office last. Some ways, it seems like I never left. But no, that's not right. For at least a few days I was away, far away, in the hands of men with no faces and no names. They broke me down, broke my story down, telling me how it hadn't happened the way I claimed. At least, that's what I think they did, between injections. Memories fade fast enough without chemical help, but if I don't tell this story now, I don't think I ever will. [interviewing a politician's wife] Carl Kolchak: What does the candidate like? Lorraine Palmer: Privacy. Carl Kolchak: What's it like living with Bob? Lorraine Palmer: He's perfect. Carl Kolchak: I wish I were. Lorraine Palmer: So do I. [Asked why he's going to visit a ritzy interior decorator] Carl Kolchak: We're thinking of brightening up the office. [Pointing at Updyke, then at Vincenzo] Carl Kolchak: You are going to be replaced by Boston fern and you a snapdragon! [Told that a dead panda at the zoo died from a heart attack] Carl Kolchak: A raccoon, with a heart attack... maybe you fed it too much cholesterol. [describing an informant] Carl Kolchak: The Monk was a of a different order - he hadn't taken the vow of silence, or the vow of poverty. Carl Kolchak: How much is it? Mickey Patchek: There is no charge. A nominal contribution is requested. [Kolchak puts money in the urn] Mickey Patchek: Not that nominal. Tony Vincenzo: I don't mind political expose's if the facts are there. But, Kolchak, why does *our* political expose' have to have a dog in it? Carl Kolchak: [about Updyke] He's persona non grata down the library. Tony Vincenzo: He's what? Carl Kolchak: Yeah, yeah. You see, he, he takes books out. He's got half the books in the library out and they're all over due. As a matter of fact, they've got a warrant out for his arrest. Tony Vincenzo: Well, that's not like Ron. Carl Kolchak: Oh, I know. I know. I was terribly disturbed about it when I heard it. I don't know, it must be some kind of er, deep-seated illness, a compulsion of sorts, a Biblio... philiac. Ron Updyke: Ah, Mr Vincenzo, what's wrong with my story? Tony Vincenzo: It reads like an expose of a massage parlour, Ron! Ron Updyke: That's, that's my angle! What really goes on inside a massage parlour. The excessive sensuality, the suggestive costumes, they have mirrors in the ceilings. Do you know, as a matter of fact they're antique gold? Carl Kolchak: [voiceover] Buck Finemann, seventy two years old. Cantankerous old geezer. No-one liked him much, but they allowed him to play poker with them once a week because he was a terrible card player and had been known to lose as much as seventy five cents in a single evening. Tony Vincenzo: Your angle on the hospital dedication, Karl. How did you come up with it? Carl Kolchak: Oh, a little research and, er, imagination. Tony Vincenzo: Some angle. Two pages condemning the lack of geriatric facilities. [pointing to Emily] Tony Vincenzo: What did you promise her this time, orthopedic glitter boots? Jim Elkhorn: Macheminido. Er, he was called a bear God, Charles, and I don't really know why since he was invisible. Carl Kolchak: [about a burned corpse] Well, what happened to Vason here? Sgt. Mayer: Isn't it obvious? The guy was smoking in bed. Carl Kolchak: I didn't see any ashtray. Sgt. Mayer: That's his problem. Carl Kolchak: [about Updyke] He got a raise? Emily Cowles: Not that I'm aware of. Carl Kolchak: He was promoted? [Emily shakes head] Carl Kolchak: Then why's he so happy? Emily Cowles: You're in trouble. Coach Toomey: Actually, Burdett never made the team. Carl Kolchak: No? Coach Toomey: You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.