Carol Lipton: Look at you, you're all white. Larry Lipton: All the blood rushed to my brother! Larry Lipton: You promised you'd sit through a hockey game, and I promised I'd sit through the Wagner opera next week. Carol Lipton: I know, I know... Larry Lipton: I already bought the earplugs. Carol Lipton: Larry, I think it's time we reevaluated our lives. Larry Lipton: I've reevaluated our lives; I got a 10, you got a 6. Carol Lipton: Larry, I think she's dead! Larry Lipton: Try giving her the present. Hotel night clerk: You are with police? Larry Lipton: Yes, I'm a detective. They lowered the height requirement. Larry Lipton: Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell if I put in too much hot fudge. Larry Lipton: I haven't been on my treadmill for weeks. 572 weeks - that's 11 years. Larry Lipton: I like a hotel with lots of blue powder sprinkled along the base boards. Larry Lipton: I think it's a reasonable assumption that if you're dead you don't suddenly turn up in the New York City Transit System. Larry Lipton: I was in a deep sleep - I was dreaming of roundcar girls. Larry Lipton: I'd fix Ted up with Helen Dubin, but they'd probably get into an argument over penis envy; the poor guy suffers from it so. Arthur Bannister: [on the movie screen, "The Lady from Shanghai" is playing] I'm aiming at you, lover. Mrs. Dalton: I'm aiming at you, lover. Arthur Bannister: Of course, killing you is killing myself. Mrs. Dalton: Of course, killing you is killing myself. Arthur Bannister: But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us. Mrs. Dalton: But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.
[On the screen, Arthur and Elsa shoot at each other, breaking mirrors; in the theatre, Mrs. Dalton and Mr. House shoot at each other, breaking mirrors and finally killing Mr. House]
Larry Lipton: I'll never say that life doesn't imitate art again. Larry Lipton: I'm a world renowned claustrophobic. Larry Lipton: Claustrophia and a dead body - this is a neurotic's jackpot! Larry Lipton: New York is the city that never sleeps! That's why we don't live in Duluth. Plus, I don't even know where Duluth is. Lucky me. Larry Lipton: Yes, of course you woke us - not everyone is up at 1 AM watching the porn channel. Larry Lipton: Ted has a mind like a steel sieve. Larry Lipton: Ted sees himself as Rick in Casablanca; I see him more as Peter Lorre. Larry Lipton: This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps. Ted: I can see that, depending on who's on the stamp. Larry Lipton: You're suggesting we try to provoke him into murdering us? Marcia Fox: You have a problem with that? Larry Lipton: Well, either that, or I suddenly developed Parkinson's. Larry Lipton: My favorite thing in life is, you know, to look at cancelled postage. [Hands Hotel Day Clerk a one-dollar tip] Larry Lipton: What are you making a face for? He's the father of our country. Lillian House: Exercising changed my life. Larry Lipton: I prefer to atrophy. Paul House: Well, what do you buy a woman who has everything? Lillian House: We already own twin cemetery plots. Larry Lipton: I always think a Bentley is in good taste. Or, you could go the route I did and buy her a set of handkerchiefs. Carol Lipton: Well, they were very nice though, and they had my initials. Larry Lipton: Yeah, and I didn't even know her size. Larry Lipton: I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland. Larry Lipton: There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure. Larry Lipton: Jesus, save a little craziness for menopause! Larry Lipton: I forbid. I forbid you to go. I'm forbidding!... Is that what you do when I'm forbidding? Larry Lipton: I can't believe I was worried about you and Ted, I mean take away his fake tan, his capped teeth and his Cuban heels and what have you got? Carol Lipton: You!