Fletch: All I needed now was a computer. And a ten year old kid to teach me how to use it. Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: Erwin, admit that you are a sinner. Fletch: Uh. Well, I've sinned. I didn't take any Polaroids or anything. But, yeah, I've sinned. Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: The Lord forgives ya! Fletch: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. What? Other sins? Uh, I parked in a handicap spot on my way up here. Actually, on a handicap person. I told him I'd be back in five minutes, so that's not such a big deal. Fletch: Becky was a good girl and didn't need to be spanked... dammit. Fletch: It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man. KKK Leader: Folks ain't home. Cross won't burn. Hell, it ain't like it used to be. Fletch: What can I do to y- for you? Fletch: [narrating] The Reverend Farnsworth was Becky's father, but I wasn't going to hold that against her. If I was going to hold anything against her, it wouldn't be her father. Fletch: What do you mean, toxic waste? Frank: Well, it's some special stuff. There's only eleven places in the country that makes this shit. Fletch: Where?... Frank, just give me the ones that aren't in New Jersey. Frank: Uh, there's only one. Fletch: [narrating] Figuring out that the guy who dropped my watch in the swamp was the same guy who stole it at the morgue didn't take Sherlock Holmes... Larry Holmes could've figured that one out. Fletch: [flirting] Hey Betty, how about lunch at the In N' Out Burger? Betty Dilworth: [disgusted] No. Fletch: Okay, forget the burger, how about just the In N' Out? [she sneers at him] Fletch: Ok, how about just the In? [Fletch, dressed as a nerdy businessman, has walked into a biker bar] Fletch: Name's Ed... Ed Harley. Joe Jack: Ed... you sure you're in the right place? Fletch: I think so! Joe Jack: [mocking] Think so! [all laugh] Joe Jack: Ed... [frowning] Joe Jack: what are you doing in here? Fletch:
I'll give you a hint... Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
[all stare] Fletch: You don't get it? Joe Jack: [grabs Fletch] No, Ed... you're the one that doesn't get it. Fletch: Ed HARLEY. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles! Joe Jack: [shocked] You own the company? Fletch: Well, my granddaddy started it, then my daddy screwed Davidson out of his half, and now I own the whole thing. Joe Jack: [really shocked] Harley-Davidson, no shit? Fletch: No shit! Joe Jack: [smiling broadly] Hey, everybody! Ed the Third here owns Harley-Davidson! We're the Nazis from Natchez! [all cheer, embrace Fletch] Doorman: Name? Fletch: Ah...Irwin M Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher. Doorman: Address? Fletch: 7. Man on Computer: Who are you? Fletch: Hello, I'm Peter Lemon-Jello and they told me to tell you your house is on fire. Man on Computer: Thank you!! Good bless you!! Fletch: [to himself] Thank you for beliving this shit! Fletch: It's a championship Laker watch. Cindy Mae: Oh, are you a Laker? Fletch: I used to date one - only thing I have to remember him by. Cindy Mae: [Turbulence] Oh Lord, what was that? Fletch: We just clipped a Piper Cub. Pilot's okay, I just saw him parachuting. Calculus Entropy: How do you do? I be Calculus Entropy, you be Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher? Fletch: I be Fletch, Geometry Fletch. She be Miss Trigonometry Ross. Calculus Entropy: Our families go back for hundreds of years - your great-grandparents owned my great-grandparents and that's how it all started. Fletch: You ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation? Calculus Entropy: Well I heard something about it, but I don't recall exactly. It didn't get too much publicity around these here parts. Fletch: I'll bet. Calculus Entropy: Should I be doing anything? Fletch: No, not really, um... as soon as you get that trunk upstairs and have finished your nap I guess you could fix that step and jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton. And while I'm gone see to it Miss Scarlet stays away from the Union army will you? Fletch: I borrowed your toothbrush. I would have used your razor but it looks like you've been doing some gardening with it. Ben Dover: Take your pants off. Fletch: I don't even know your name. Ben Dover: Bend over.
: Ben? Nice to meet you, Victor Hugo. Hamilton "Ham" Johnson: So tragic when this happens to somebody so young and healthy. Was she feeling alright last night? Fletch: She felt great to me. Jimmy Lee Farnsworth: You don't suppose I used too many photographs of myself do you? Fletch: No, no. Worked for the Ayatollah.