Drake Parker: What happened to you? Josh Nichols: Football happened to me. I got pummeled, slugged, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle. Drake Parker: Well, I'm sorry you didn't make the team. Josh Nichols: Oh, no, I made the team. [holds up a jersey] Josh Nichols: You are looking at Belleview High's brand-new E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER! [Drake stares at Josh, incredulous] Josh Nichols: E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER! [Drake and Josh are tending to a child star] Drake Parker: I never thought evil had a name, but it's Ashley Blake. [Josh is trying to learn how to play football by playng a video game] Josh Nichols: Left! No, right! Pass! Not the sack! Not the sack! Video game: Uh! The sack! [Josh, trying to look cool, leans against a freshly painted wall] Drake Parker: Uh, Josh? [Josh looks at his back, which has white paint all over it] Josh Nichols: How about PAINTING ON THE WEEKENDS? Drake Parker: I really like music. Josh Nichols: I really like cheese. Drake Parker: If I had to live on an island and only take 1,000 things with me, I'd take this stereo, these headphones, and 997 CD's. And a girl. Josh Nichols: You might think all cheese is the same, but there are different kinds. You got your American, Gouda, Feta... Drake Parker: There's all sorts of kinds of music. Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz... Josh Nichols: And my personal favorite... Drake Parker: And my favorite, Rock 'n' Roll. Josh Nichols: ...Cheddar Drake Parker: Josh doesn't like music as much as I do. Josh Nichols: Drake doesn't care for cheese as much as I do. Drake Parker, Josh Nichols: [in unison] Oh, well. His loss. Drake Parker: Ahh, Music. Josh Nichols: Ahh, Cheese. Josh Nichols: [dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle, Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is bad. [shouts] Josh Nichols: You happy, Sheldon? We're even now! Mr. Nichols: [offscreen] Josh? Josh Nichols: Sheldon? Josh Nichols: THE BABY'S ON THE ROOOOOOOFF! Drake Parker: You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly. Drake Parker: [after Josh accuses him of ruining the brownies he made for the football team] Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods! Josh Nichols: I gave good advice! And I'm wearing pants! Drake Parker: Praise be the pants! Mrs. Hafer: Drake, what's your favorite novel from the 20th century? Drake Parker: Uh... Catcher in the Rye. Mrs. Hafer: Wrong. Drake Parker: Let's see, the grills are about 40 bucks, right? So if we make 20%, that's... [tracing in mid-air] Drake Parker: Eighty dollars a grill! Josh Nichols: No, move your decimal. Drake Parker: Oh, right. [traces in the air again] Drake Parker: $8,000 a grill! Josh Nichols: [cutting him off] Eight dollars a grill! Josh Nichols: [about the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to scare Drake] Drake, meet Chip and Ronnie. My old camp counselors. [laughs] Drake Parker: [pause] Where did you go to camp? Josh Nichols: Do you sell guitars? Guitar World Salesman: [sarcastically] Here? At Guitar World? [repeated line] Drake Parker, Josh Nichols: Megan! Josh Nichols: [about Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl. Mr. Nichols: [needing a last minute birthday gift for Audrey] Uh, get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste! Josh Nichols: Dad, there's two-hundred dollars here. Mr. Nichols: Well, get her some mouthwash, too! I'M JUST A MAN! Drake Parker: You're the best evil sister ever. Josh Nichols: You know the closet in the hall. Drake Parker: The hall closet. Josh Nichols: Yah, I stuffed it full of underwear so when she opens it, she'll get burried up to her evil little head in dirty underwear. Drake Parker: Eww, yours?
: Dads... Drake Parker: Ewer. Josh Nichols: Pinch me! Drake Parker: I'm not pinching any part of you. Helen: You! Josh Nichols: Me? Helen: Thats your name, id'nit? Josh Nichols: Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! Drake Parker: No they won't... they are gonna kill you. Josh Nichols: I'm trying to study! Drake Parker: Why? Drake Parker: I love s'mores! Josh Nichols: Who doesn't? Drake Parker: I don't know, s'more haters? Josh Nichols: Good point. Drake Parker: What are you smiling about? Josh Nichols: The great Drake, grounded, for two weeks. I love it! Drake Parker: Yeah? Me too. Josh Nichols: Eh? Drake Parker: 2 weeks, layin' in bed, no school, playin' a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizza's. Yeah, bein' grounded is baad. Mrs. Parker: Did you happen to drink any coffee when you were there? Drake Parker: No, not much, six cups, whyda ask? Josh Nichols: I don't know Drake, all this cheating makes me feel... dirty. Drake Parker: Well, take a bath when you get home. Josh Nichols: [talking about Ashley Blake] So then I got her gummy bears, but she doesn't like the green kind so Ihad to take those out then she suggested i do some push ups! Drake Parker: That's ridiculous... Josh Nichols: I know! Drake Parker: ...who doesn't like green gummy bears? [Josh just glares at Drake] Drake Parker: [talking to Josh about his crush] Good Luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean, girls are just guys without... just do good. Drake Parker: [talking about the Gary Colman grills] I'm telling you, we didn't steal the grills. FBI Agent: It was reported that two Caucasian males stole the grills from a factory truck. Drake Parker: See! We're not Caucasian, we're white guys! [Josh leans over and whispers to Drake what Caucasian means] Josh Nichols: Oh, I lost my sightless, loopy boss! Josh Nichols: [talking about how Drake needs to break up with his girlfriend] All you need to do is act un-youish.