Rudy Zolteck: That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico. Danny O'Shea: This whole town may love you, but I'm the only one who knows how truly sick you are. Kevin O'Shea: I treated you like a prince. Danny O'Shea: You ignored me. Kevin O'Shea: I took you to see the Cleveland Indians. Danny O'Shea: You left me at the stadium. Spike: No mercy! Becky O'Shea: No ball! Jake Berman: One time my whole family went fishing, and I was the only one that didn't puke! Danny O'Shea: I don't know but I've been told. Little Giants: Butz's butt is green with mold. Danny O'Shea: You say thank you I say please. Little Giants: Kevin sits down when he pees. [Danny is introducing the Little Giants to their parents] Danny O'Shea: Here's Rudy Zoleteck, your friendly neighborhood gasman. Mr. Zolteck: Gasman? I don't get it! Mrs. Zolteck: Think about it! Little Danny: Gee, I must be pretty bad if my own brother won't even pick me. Little Kevin: Danny, look at it my way. Little Danny: I stink and you know it. You're perfect and I stink. That's it! The End! Little Kevin: No, that's not it! It's just that I'm so good that it makes you look really bad. Little Danny: Are you trying to cheer me up? Little Kevin: Yeah! Little Danny: It's not working! Little Kevin: See, so I stink at something too. Johnny Vennaro: You can't pitch to Johnny! I'm Johnny! Junior Floyd: You wanna learn how to kiss? Becky O'Shea: No. Why, do you? Junior Floyd: No. Eeww I just got that vomit taste in my mouth. Becky O'Shea: Come on, you gotta learn sometime. I mean if you wanna have kids and get a job. Junior Floyd: You can have kids without kissing! Becky O'Shea: But you can't get a job. Junior Floyd: Well, become a teacher then. Kevin O'Shea: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunchbox. Junior Floyd: Eeww, that's disgusting! It looks like they're trying to swallow each other's heads! Rudy Zolteck: AHHHHHHHHH! It's a mom! Jake Berman: Don't you be talkin' bout my momma! Spike: Spike's in hell. Spike's in pee-wee HELL! Spike: Spike: Spikes in hell, Spikes in Pee-Wee Hell Kevin O'Shea: Put a fork in them their done, baby. [receiving their uniforms] Tad: Death shrouds [flips one around] Danny O'Shea: They've got your names on the back. Jake Berman: So the guys at the morgue can identify the bodies. [On the opening kick-off, after the holder is kicked in the crotch by the kicker] Announcer: OH! Somebody's holding a pound of Aunt Betty's nut better, and that's a live ball! Young Kevin: Hey Danny! You see that water tower. One day our names will be up there in bold letters, The O'Shea Brothers! We're going to own this town, you and me buddy. [talking to his hands] Hanon: Why do you do this to me, fellas? I cut your nails, wash you, put gloves on you when you're cold... Sean Murphy: Hey Hanon, do you catch anything ever? Hanon: Caught a cold yesterday. Here have some! [sneezes on Murphy] [kids are running at try-outs] Rudy Zolteck: How'd I do, coach? Kevin O'Shea: I don't know son, I don't have a sundial. Now get back in line. Karen O'Shea: Kevin, this is pee-wee football. It's supposed to be fun. Kevin O'Shea: Not fun anymore. All the fun is gone. See now, It's WAR! Danny O'Shea: We can go camping and make moose sounds. Becky O'Shea: No, Dad. Danny O'Shea: O.K. forget the moose sounds. Hanon: There goes my shot at the Pros. Now I have to be a senator. Priscilla: Hey Uncle Dan! Guess what? I got the whole headlock thing on tape. Here, wanna see? [saying grace] Priscilla: God bless family, friends, flowers, Nickelodeon, fuzzy little kittens, Pez, Mr. Lerenzo, the school janitor 'cause he's so hairy. Kevin O'Shea: He's an unfortunate man Priscilla. Junior Floyd: That's right Spike. The Icebox is going to defrost you. Mike Hammersmith: What's that cheerleader doing with a helmet on? Kevin O'Shea:
That's no cheerleader, that's my niece Becky, and she's pissed.
Spike: Your mine Pom Pom! Becky O'Shea: What a hunk. What am I talking about? I'm the Icebox. Icebox doesn't like boys. Except for that one... Jake Berman: My mom says the pads you gave me weren't enough... Nubie: You always run the ball! Why can't I run the ball? Hanon: Because you're slow, and no one likes you Rudy Zolteck: Here's a kiss for Murphey. And for Patterson and Briggs too. [Farts Loudly] Spike: Look, you berzerko Barbie doll, when you mess with Spike, you mess with death. Becky O'Shea: You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk? Spike: Try me! Becky O'Shea: I will! Spike: Well, go! Becky O'Shea: Right Now! Jake Berman: SOMEBODY CALL 911! Steve Emtman: Just remember, football is 80% mental and 40% physical. Spike: Is Spike mistaken, but aren't you a girl? Becky O'Shea: Gee, good eye Spike: Spike don't play with girls! Mike Hammersmith: Every night before he goes to bed, I massage his hamstrings with evaporated milk