advertisement Danny: Mom I've got something I need to tell you. Keith: Don't tell me your leaving the group already. Danny: Of Course not. Keith: I told you not to tell me. Danny: [the family is putting their house up for sale. Danny takes it upon himself to write an exaggerated ad for the newspaper. He reads from his notes] "Now Available. Partridge Manor. Live among the stars". Keith: Live among the stars! What stars? Danny: Every night you just look up and there they are. Reuben Kincaid: Danny, come here. Danny: [Walks over to Reuben] Yeah? Reuben Kincaid: Go away. Laurie Partridge: Every daughter wants her mother to marry a doctor. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: People aren't as different as we think. We may have different beliefs, but we're all pretty much alike. Keith: In this day and age, anything can happen. Love does not ask to see your I.D. Laurie Partridge: All you guys think we're interested in is being cheerleaders or homecoming queens. And then, if we're real lucky, we can all grow up to be Playboy bunnies. Danny: You can't blame me. I'm just a kid. Reuben Kincaid: No, you're not. You're a midget in a kid suit. Laurie Partridge: You know, it takes a warped mind to think of women as a hobby. Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: I'd rather collect stamps. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Tracy, it's your turn to say grace. Tracy Partridge: Dear Lord, thank you for our food, and please get Keith a date. Reuben Kincaid: Danny, if you'd like to go to the beach with me, I'll let you swim in the riptide. Danny: Riptides are dangerous. Reuben Kincaid: Aw, who told you that? Danny: I've been a kid, and I've been an adult. And believe me, adultery isn't what it's cracked up to be. Danny: I need help. Keith: We know that. But Mom won't let us have you committed. Reuben Kincaid: ...You can read about it when I write my memoirs, "The Thrilling Adventures of Reuben Kincaid"! Laurie Partridge: It'll be a thin book. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Reuben, why is it you always manage to drop in when I bake an apple pie? Tracy Partridge: He gives me a dime to tell him. Reuben Kincaid: I hate to not-eat-and-run, but I gotta go. Danny: I guess every family has to have a black sheep. I always thought ours was Keith. Keith: Has anybody got any ideas about what they're going to do for Mom's birthday? Laurie Partridge: I thought about offering to do all the cooking for a month. How about you? Keith: I'll buy the family a stomach pump. Danny: It's not normal for kids to be quiet. I might end up maladjusted. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Whatever gave you the idea you could operate your own Lonely Hearts Club? Danny: I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. What you said is, "Reuben needs a wife." Reuben Kincaid: I need a *what*? Tracy Partridge: I told them to get you a goldfish, but they wouldn't listen. Laurie Partridge: Keith, don't you ever knock before coming into a person's room? Keith: You're not a person, you're my sister. Keith: Look, I just want to play music the best way I know how. Now is that wrong? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Kids your age tend to fall in love very easily, sometimes even give up other relationships for what they think is love. Now I know you think you're in love with Laurie, but love at your age can pass just as quickly as it came, and your relationship as brothers is too much to give up for what could be a passing crush. What I'm trying to say is: what you think now will last forever, probably won't; what you're *sacrificing* *will*... You have no idea what I'm trying to say, do you? Keith: You know, I wish you'd read the story of Evel Knievel. Danny: Why's that? Keith: Well, then maybe you might go take a flying leap. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: There's no sense in waiting up. Laurie's in good hands. Danny: That's what I'm afraid of. Keith: ...I wouldn't worry about him. He's an archaeologist. He can always dig up a girl. Keith: This date is an opportunity. Danny: I thought you considered every date an opportunity. Danny: ...Keith, that's the meanest, rottenest and dirtiest trick anyone can play on his sister. No wonder you're my idol. Tracy Partridge: ...It's not fair. I yelled dibbies on the bed. Laurie Partridge: Tracy has a point, Mom. Seems to me that we should all get a chance to vote. After all, this is a democracy. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, I certainly don't want to be undemocratic. So, I vote for the bed; and since you two are too young to vote, I win. Reuben Kincaid: Danny, if you're ever thinking of running away from home, do it. Laurie Partridge: When you're well-known, it's an opportunity to set a good example. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: In fact, it's an obligation. Keith: ...This whole thing is your fault! You and your dumb ideas! Danny: Anyone can come up with a dumb idea, but it takes a real numbskull to listen to it. Reuben Kincaid: Free speech is great, until it's someone else speaking. Laurie Partridge: ...Are you saying my friends are ding-a-lings? Keith: Not all of them. Only the ones I've met. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, kids, how do you like performing in an amusement park? Danny: Great! But it would be *perfect* if cotton candy was deductible. Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: C'mon, let's play a game, Mr. Kincaid. Tracy Partridge: Yeah, let's play a game. Reuben Kincaid: Okay, okay. Let's play a game called "Lost." Danny: How do you play? Reuben Kincaid: Well, I'll hide my eyes and you three kids run away from home - far and fast - and keep running until you're lost. Tracy Partridge: Then what? Reuben Kincaid: In three weeks, I'll come look for you. If I find you, I lose. Tracy Partridge: What if you *don't* find us? Reuben Kincaid: Well, then I win. Danny: All's fair in love and Parchessi Danny: You know we think a lot alike. Reuben Kincaid: I know and sometimes it scares me. Keith: If man was supposed to sing in high places, he would have been born a soprano. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I think it's wonderful the way this whole family pitches in to help. Keith: You know, Mom... If you weren't always busy cleaning the house, you wouldn't be so tired. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Honey, I'm curious about something. It's purely hypothetical, of course. But suppose a boy were very interested in you when you weren't interested in him. How do you... Laurie Partridge: Get rid of Bernie? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, it has been a while since I've done that kind of thing. Laurie Partridge: Well, you could start off by mentioning that you two have absolutely nothing in common. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: That's right. We don't. Laurie Partridge: Then you can tell him that you're a very independent woman. You know, a loner. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: A loner? With five kids? Laurie Partridge: Those are my two best ones, Mom. Reuben Kincaid: ...Shirley, trust me. Danny: That's asking too much. Laurie Partridge: ...I have got the greatest news! Keith: You're taking your own apartment? Danny: ...You know, we think a lot alike. Reuben Kincaid: I know. And sometimes it scares me. Reuben Kincaid: ...Good day. Danny: It was until now. Reuben Kincaid: ...You know, Shirley, I was thinking... Danny: In Mr. Kincaid's case, that can be dangerous. Reuben Kincaid: If you're big enough to get away with it, then it's right. That's international law. Danny: ...That's our Keith. Talented, handsome, and wishy-washy. Danny: ...So, as an attorney, what do you think of Perry Mason? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Let me explain something to you. I'm your mother, and in that way I'll always belong to all of you. But I'm also a woman. And even with five children whom I love very much, and who I know love me, there are times when I still feel lonely. Danny: All's fair in love and Parcheesi. Laurie Partridge: ...Well, to me love is total. It's a direct communication between two people. The key word is honesty. Keith: Right. When you love someone you know you can trust them. That's another big part of it. Trust. Laurie Partridge: Yes, but you have to earn that. You can't just take it. Keith: Sure you can. Haven't you ever heard of stolen kisses? Laurie Partridge: ...Keith, if men like you had their own country, Hugh Hefner would be king. Reuben Kincaid: ...How old is Danny? Tracy Partridge: Ten. Why? Reuben Kincaid: I keep getting this funny feeling that I'm dealing with a 40-year-old midget. Danny: ...A Partridge never forgets. I have a photographic mind. Laurie Partridge: Sure you do; unfortunately, you always forget to load the film in it. Reuben Kincaid: ...The army hasn't admitted making a mistake since 1952. Danny: What happened in 1952? Reuben Kincaid: They drafted me. Danny: ...Don't you think one genius in the family is enough? Keith: Who might that be? Danny: Modesty prevents me from stating the obvious. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Danny...! Danny: Well, at least I know my limitations. All I want to be is Howard Hughes. Keith: Then why don't you disappear? Danny: I refuse to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Danny wanted an advance on his allowance. Reuben Kincaid: What's so strange about that? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: A *six-year* advance? Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: ...Here's my compass. It doesn't work, though. It always points in the same direction. Tracy Partridge: ...If six ducks are on a pond and three more ducks land on the pond, what would you have? Danny: Several hundred duck hunters. Keith: ...I'm not going to fight you, Goose. I'll fight you for something I believe in, but I'm not going to fight you just because you're ego's hurt. It's just not a good enough reason. Reuben Kincaid: ...You know, we'll laugh about this in five or ten years - whenever we get out of prison. Keith: ...I'm beginning to realize that responsibilities are something you have to assume gradually. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, you are a little young to be raising four kids. Keith: I'm old enough to handle them, all right. It just doesn't leave enough time to do my homework. Laurie Partridge: ...When are you going to learn to respect Keith's privacy? Danny: As soon as he gets a window shade. Laurie Partridge: ...You know, there's one good thing about being paranoid: You're always the center of attention. Danny: Look, Keith, you've got to help me. Keith: No, I don't. Danny: All I need is a little advice. Keith: About what? Danny: About how to get rid of a woman that's crazy about you. Keith: All right. You might start by revealing some of your bad points, which shouldn't be too difficult. Discourage her. Danny: It wouldn't work. She'd know I was lying. Keith: One thing's for sure: she's not hooked on your humility. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...I appreciate your volunteering to take the kids to the beach, but it just doesn't sound like you. Keith: I've been thinking: since I'm the eldest male, I have a lot of influence on them. Besides, I'm old enough to accept my responsibilities and give them the kind of leadership they need. Reuben Kincaid: Keith, have you been talking to a Marine recruiter? Danny: ...Keith, we can't gamble with our family. They're worth a lot more than $156. Even Tracy. Reuben Kincaid: ...Tell me, did your mother ever tell you not to play in traffic? Danny: Of course. Reuben Kincaid: Too bad. Keith: ...I think the whole thing taught me a lesson. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: What's that? Keith: I don't know yet. But there must be a lesson in there somewhere for all this suffering. Reuben Kincaid: ...Danny, if there's anything you want to know about handling women, you want to get it from a real pro. Danny: Yeah, but I already asked Keith. He was no help. Reuben Kincaid: I was talking about myself. Danny: Mr. Kincaid, I know you're trying to cheer me up by making me laugh. Bless you. Reuben Kincaid: ...I just can't believe it! Keith Partridge flunking sex education! Well, he and I finally have something in common. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Reuben, they didn't teach sex education when you went to high school. Reuben Kincaid: Yeah, I know. But I flunked it anyway. Reuben Kincaid: Kincaid's Law: A dry client equals a broke manager. Keith: [to Shirley] ... Look, you don't want to be a mother to a bunch of illiterate bums, do you? Danny: He's right, Mom. Do you want Chris to pump gas all his life, and Tracy to wait on tables in some sleazy strip joint, while I work as a garbage collector... just because you were chicken? Reuben Kincaid: [to Shirley] ... There is a good side to Danny getting his tonsils taken out: He may not be able to talk for days. Laurie Partridge: ...Mom, if I get into any trouble I can always run for help. I don't need Keith to do it for me. Reuben Kincaid: ...You have my word as a gentleman. Danny: Thanks, but I'd rather have someone watching you. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Danny, there's more to life than taking bows. Danny: Not when you're an egomaniac with grease paint in your blood. Danny: ...I've spied on Keith on lots of dates. Don't bother. Keith: ...Now that you've got a million dollars, what's the first thing you're going to do? Danny: Gloat. Keith: Besides that. Danny: Invest it. Keith: I think the first thing I'm going to do is charter a boat and sail to the Caribbean. Danny: Great. I'll rent it to you. Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: Why don't you buy a boat, Keith? Danny: Because I bought it first. Keith: What are you going to do, Chris? Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: Buy a catcher's mitt... Keith: No wonder you're so short. You think small. Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: ...But then I'm going to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Danny: I'm not selling. Danny: ...Chris, Tracy, you'll both understand when you're my age... although *I'm* my age and *I* don't understand. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Tracy, don't put that drumstick up your nose! Tracy Partridge: Why not? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: You don't know where it's been! Shirley Renfrew Partridge: [the Family is backstage, about to make their debut in Las Vegas. Shirley is having stage fright] [Through clenched teeth] Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I'm having trouble moving my mouth. Danny: Don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: How can I sing if I can't move my mouth? Keith: Just fake it, ok? [Shirley suddenly bends over and clutches her knees] Keith: Why are you feeling your knees? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I think they're locked. Danny: Good. That'll stop you from falling if you pass out. Laurie Partridge: Don't worry Mom, we'll all be here to help you. Christopher "Chris" Partridge #1: Sure, you don't have to worry about a thing! Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Aren't you kids nervous at all? Laurie Partridge: No. Danny: Why should we be nervous? We're terrific! Club Manager: All right, places everyone. We're ready to go! Keith: [as they quickly take their places] You're gonna be wonderful, honest, Mom. Laurie Partridge: This is the big time. You'll be great, you'll be fantastic, nothing to worry about. Danny: Relax, Mom, but just remember our whole future depends on these next few minutes. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: [groans] Ohhhhhhhhh... Keith: It all started when I lost my pickle! Mrs. Applebaum: You have *five* children? Shirley Renfrew Partridge: That's right. Mrs. Applebaum: [to her son Bernie, who is dating Shirley] And you knew this? [he nods. Mrs. Applebaum pauses] Mrs. Applebaum: Well, I guess it's good for taxes. Danny: [Keith and Danny are waiting for Laurie to come home from a date with a minister. She enters the front door] Well? Laurie Partridge: Well, what? Keith: Tell us what a minister does on a date! Danny: I bet he took you to see the Ten Commandments. Keith: No. Too racy. Laurie Partridge: What makes you think we went to a movie? Keith: C'mon, fill us in on the details. Laurie Partridge: You really want to know where we went? Keith: Yeah. Laurie Partridge: Well, we couldn't decide on what movie to see, so... We went straight to Muldoon's Point. [she goes upstairs] Danny: I wonder how *he* explains lipstick on his collar? Danny: How could you let Laurie go out with him, Mom? It's written all over his face. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: What's written all over his face? Danny: Giggle-o! Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Giggle-o! If that's what's written all over his face, he's very poor in spelling. Danny: However it's pronounced, it means rotten. Reuben Kincaid: Hey, kid. You want to be among friends? Danny: Yeah! Reuben Kincaid: Go stand in front of a bug light. Reuben Kincaid: I don't know. You people have a live record date in two days and all I get is, "Rueben, he just walked in the door". Reuben Kincaid: [Reuben's car is stuck in deep sand on an American Indian Reservation. A group of men in full Indian dress and war paint appear on horseback] I don't suppose you gentlemen are from the Auto Club...? Reuben Kincaid: Why couldn't I take a nice SAFE job? Like milking cobras! Keith: [to Danny] No wonder you have red hair. Your brain is rusted! Reuben Kincaid: What do eleven-year-olds do on a date? Keith: I don't know. They can't neck, Danny doesn't have one. Reuben Kincaid: Wish I'd said that. Keith: Mmmm. Glad I did. Keith: Look at these prices! Keith: You are looking at the King. Danny: I didn't know dummies had a King. Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Danny, when will Keith be able to pay back the money he owes us? Danny: If I have it my way, he'll be able to pay in about a year. Keith: A year! Danny: If Keith has it his way, we'll have to wait for the reading of his will. Tracy Partridge: [referring to Danny] Where's the big typhoon? Laurie Partridge: You mean *tycoon*. Keith: A typhoon is a big wind. Tracy Partridge: I know what I said! Keith: [on the warpath, to Danny] There you are, you red-headed hamburger! Keith: They'd leave *me* for Mick Jagger? Keith: Who could live without a car or a girlfriend? Christopher "Chris" Partridge #1: I could, I do it all the time. Reuben Kincaid: Now that I understand, I wish I didn't understand.