advertisement [shouting to several prisoners] Barney Fife: Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls. Barney Fife: The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present. Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em? Barney Fife: A septic tank. Andy Taylor: For their anniversary? Barney Fife: They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced. Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn. Barney Fife: I try. Barney Fife: Man, we really packed it away, didn't we? Andy Taylor: Yeah, boy. Barney Fife: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle. Andy Taylor: Does, huh? Barney Fife: It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle. [pats tummy] Barney Fife: See there? Floyd Lawson: You know, everyone complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Calvin Coolidge said that. Andy Taylor: No, Floyd, that wasn't Calvin Coolidge that said that, it was Mark Twain. Floyd Lawson: Then what did Calvin Coolidge say? Barney Fife: Well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters going wrong, you've got to nip it in the bud. Andy Taylor: I'm going to have a talk with them. What else do you want me to do? Barney Fife: Well, don't just mollycoddle them. Andy Taylor: I won't. Barney Fife: Nip it. You go read any book you ant on the subject of child discipline and you'll find every one of them is in favor of bud-nipping. Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, you know we always give the truck drivers an extra five miles an hour so they can make it up Turner's Grade. Barney Fife: Now Andy, if you let them take thirty, they'll take thirty-five. If you let them take thirty-five, they'll take forty. If you let them take forty, they'll take forty-five. If you... Andy Taylor: Uh, Barn. Barney Fife: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive. [Reassuring Opie after releasing a group of dogs to the countryside as a thunderstorm approaches] Barney Fife: A dog can't get struck by lightning. you know why? 'Cause he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there in the field, now then we'd have trouble. Andy Taylor: Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth? Goober Pyle: Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em. Barney Fife: [angry] Oh, you're just full of fun today, aren't you? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps? [after a haircut at Floyd's] Andy Taylor: Floyd. Floyd Lawson: What's the matter? Andy Taylor: My sideburns. Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns? Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even. Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen? Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything. Aunt Bee Taylor: Did you like the white beans you had for supper? Andy Taylor: Uh huh. Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, you didn't say anything. Andy Taylor: Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is. Aunt Bee Taylor: Well... Andy Taylor: Eating speaks louder than words. Aunt Bee Taylor: You know, your education was worth every penny of it. Andy Taylor: What are you doing? Barney Fife: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry. Barney Fife: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and [patting gun] Barney Fife: baby makes three. Andy Taylor: When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me. Barney Fife: If only someone would just kill somebody? Andy Taylor: Barney? Barney Fife: Well, it wouldn't have to be anyone we know... If two strangers was to come to town, and if one of them was gonna kill the other one anyway... [the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass] Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Mr. Darling, can't you and your boys handle him? Briscoe Darling: Well, we thought about killin' him, but we didn't want to go that far. [after getting in a fight with Andy] Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant? Sheriff Andy Taylor: Call the man. Barney Fife: Gentlemen, I give you science in action. Proof-positive the camera does not lie; it sees all, tells all. Barney Fife: Let's get this film down to the lab at Mrs. Mason's drugstore. Sheriff Andy Taylor: Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is a loaded goat. Barney Fife: They don't do things that way anymore. This is the Age of Science Know-How, electronal marvels. Barney Fife: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before? Barney Fife: All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty going on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we ought to stay clear. Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby. Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby! Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'! Gomer Pyle: Me and Goober are goin' down to see that Cary Grant movie. Goober never misses a Cary Grant movie. He studies him. You want to hear him take off on Cary Grant? C'mon, Goober; do Cary Grant. Goober Pyle: Well, I don't know... Andy Taylor: Well, Gom, if he doesn't want to... Goober Pyle: I'll do it! Judy, Judy, Judy! Gomer Pyle: [laughing hysterically] Ain't that great, Andy? How do you do it? Let me try; Judy, Judy, I can't do it. Andy, couldn't you just swear it was Cary Grant standin' right before you in this room? Andy Taylor: Uh, yeah, Gomer; that was real good, Goober. Barney Fife: [to a group of boys] Boys, when that steel door slams shut, that's the end of the happy days. No more fishin', no more ball playin', no more peanut butter sandwiches. [Door slams shut behind Barney] Andy Taylor: [little boy holds out sandwich to Barney] No, No Leon; Barney can't have that. Barney Fife: You're real funny, you know that. We ought to book you on one of those excursion lines. Andy Taylor: You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly!" See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you! Andy Taylor: Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog. Barney Fife: I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver! Otis Campbell: Well, it's better than having a pickled puss! Barney Fife: Oh, yeah? Otis Campbell: Yeah! Andy Taylor: Boys, stop it! Otis Campbell: Well, he started it! Barney Fife: I did not start it, he started it! Andy Taylor: [after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it. Barney Fife: [through a megaphone while directing the cave rescue] Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill. Andy Taylor: Opie! Time to come in, son. Opie Taylor: Aw Pa, just a little while longer... please? Andy Taylor: Well, OK. [to Barney] Andy Taylor: Daylight's precious when your a youngen'. Floyd Lawson: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch! Briscoe Darling: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him? Dud Wash: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird. Andy Taylor: He doesn't sound like a very nice person. Briscoe Darling: One of the worst we got. Barney Fife: [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law. Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He arguin' with me? Andy Taylor: No; he's agreein' with you. Briscoe Darling: Just so I know where I stand. Dud Wash: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is! [grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her] Charlene Darling: Dud! Stop it! Dud Wash: Aw. c'mon Charlene! Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes. Sheriff Andy Taylor: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding? Briscoe Darling: He might. He's just crazy enough to do it. Dud Wash: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this. [demonstrates by pulling his own mouth] Dud Wash: Then you grade his nose and twist it like this. [twists his own nose] Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way? Andy Taylor: [telling Opie and his friends the story of Paul Revere] And he said, "The British is comin, the British is comin! Git your guns, we gonna have us a revolution!" Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong? Andy Taylor: No, it's right. Barney Fife: You sure? Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken". Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule. [Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical] Barney Fife: I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it? Rafe Hollister: No. Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do? Barney Fife: Why, I'd do it! [snapping fingers in rhythm] Barney Fife: "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words. [Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window] Barney Fife: What was that! Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit. Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk! [Turns away from the window, then turns back] Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya! Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake! Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to! Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you [another rock come flying through the window] Barney Fife: Stop that! [Another rock hits the window] Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death! [the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding] Briscoe Darling: How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"? Charlene Darling: No, Paw, That one makes me cry! Andy Taylor: [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie. Briscoe Darling: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things. Ernest T. Bass: I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass! Ernest T. Bass: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved! Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17. Barney Fife: Hat in a horse trough? Andy Taylor: Yeah. Barney Fife: [while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do? Andy Taylor: What? Barney Fife: I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV. Andy Taylor: Mmm-hmm. Barney Fife: Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV. Andy Taylor: Mmm. Barney Fife: Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then... Malcolm Tucker: [interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it! [shouts] Malcolm Tucker: Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*! Barney Fife: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex. Barney Fife: Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx. Barney Fife: Adios, amigo. Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He one of ours? Andy Taylor: Oh, sure. Briscoe Darling: [to Barney] More power to ya. Ramona 'Romeena' Ankrum: It rained last week, ya know? Ernest T. Bass: Yeah... yeah... I was right there in it. [Gomer has made a citizens arrest on Barney] Andy Taylor: All right, what's goin' on here? Barney Fife: Aw this boob here... Gomer Pyle: Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public! [after writing himself a traffic ticket] Barney Fife: A boob that's what I am, a boob! [Goober thinks he has whiplash] Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis. Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash? Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck. Barney Fife: Boy, giraffes are selfish. Andy Taylor: Where can we find this Ernest T. Bass? Dud Wash: Aww, he's a pestilence and a pestilence will find *you*... you just wait. [Ernest T. Bass has crashed Mrs. Wily's party] Mrs. Wiley: He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner. Andy Taylor: Like what, Mrs. Wily? Mrs. Wiley: Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling. Andy Taylor: Didn't anybody try to stop him? Mrs. Wiley: Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away. [Opie has a crush on Thelma Lou] Opie Taylor: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman? Barney Fife: Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'! Floyd Lawson: If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day. Andy Taylor: [to Emmett] You blew it. You stood right there and blew it. Myrt 'Hubcaps' Lesh: That's the clunker we sold to that boob in Mayberry. Andy Taylor: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says, "No solicitors." [pause] Andy Taylor: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin. Briscoe Darling: [serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you. Briscoe Darling: [Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for? Aunt Bee Taylor: No elbows on the table. Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after. Barney Fife: Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said? Andy Taylor: What? Barney Fife: He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk! Andy Taylor: That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line? Otis Campbell: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs. Andy Taylor: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk? Otis Campbell: I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses. Andy Taylor: [find Aunt Bee obviously "tiddly", then finding a 2/3 empty bottle of "Colonel Harvey's Elixir" in the hall closet] Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose. Goober Pyle: I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie. Andy Taylor: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'. Goober Pyle: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him. Helen: What? Goober Pyle: I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant? Andy Taylor: Uh, Goober... Goober Pyle: Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy. Andy Taylor: That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'. Helen: That was William Holden. Goober Pyle: William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else. [Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following] Goober Pyle: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy. Andy Taylor: [Picking up the phone] Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou. Andy Taylor: [Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back? Barney Fife: [Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back! Andy Taylor: Barney, you can't give Otis a sobriety test now; he's had all night to sleep it off. The time to give him a sobriety test was last night when you picked him up. Barney Fife: I couldn't give him the test last night! Andy Taylor: Why? Barney Fife: He was too drunk. Barney Fife: [to Andy] Well, if it ain't daddy long legs!