"Home Movies" (1999) 8.9

Paula Small: What were you saying? Brendon: Can we move the flowers? Paula Small: Before that. Brendon: This meatloaf is dry. Paula Small: Before that. Brendon: This is *meatloaf*? Paula Small: Before that. Brendon: This fish is dry. Coach McGuirk: This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country. Paula Small: I'm getting a raise! Brendon: That's great! Paula Small: Well, I'm going to ask for a raise. Brendon: Well, that's, um... practically great! Coach McGuirk: Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it. Melissa Robbins: You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you? Brendon: I'm sorry. Melissa Robbins: Who is she? Brendon: Just some woman. Melissa Robbins: Is it because I'm fat? Brendon: No... In fact, she's fat too. Jason: People hate me! Coach McGuirk: Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God. Brendon: Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Voice in crowd: Tomorrow's Saturday! Brendon: Okay, noon today. Voice in crowd: It's 2:30! Brendon: All right! Uh... 2:31. I shall resign officially at 2:31 today. Brendon: Any questions? Anybody... have any... .uh... requests? Voice in crowd: Can we get pizza more? Brendon: "Pizza more"! I have no idea what that means. Next question. Voice in crowd: Is ketchup a vegetable? Brendon: Very good question. Ketchup is actually a fruit! It's a magical fruit! [Brendon, Melissa and Jason have won a trophy for Best Young Filmmakers of the Year] Brendon: All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for... the rest of our lives. Melissa Robbins: Okay. Jason:

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What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?

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Brendon: Then you miss your turn. Dixie Smithley: Excuse me... hi! Hi! I'm Dixie Smithley from Channel 1 News and I wanted to congratulate you kids on your award! Brendon: Oh!... Dixie Smithley: I'd love to do a piece on you three kids! Jason: You mean, um... beat us up? Coach McGuirk: I've been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia. Brendon: Wow. Coach McGuirk: And South America, I haven't been to there yet. Brendon: Hey, Mitch. Mitch: Hey, how ya doin'? Brendon: How's it going? Mitch: It's goin' goood. Brendon: Yeah, you look good. Mitch: Yeah, I put an extra "o" in the "good" 'cause it's so good. Jason: You're stupid! Melissa Robbins: You're stupid! Jason: You're stupid! Melissa Robbins: [sighs] What are we arguing about? Jason: Who is stupider. Melissa Robbins: No, we need to get a video camera. Jason: Why don't we build one? Melissa Robbins: That's stupid. Jason: You're stupid! Melissa Robbins: You're stupid! Brendon: Why aren't you coaching? Coach McGuirk: I'm letting Drew run the practice. That's what assistant coaches are for, running the practice. Brendon: Yeah, I guess. Coach McGuirk: Assistant coaches are also for doing my laundry. Brendon: You know, the team really seems to like him. Coach McGuirk: And getting me food... Brendon: Right. Coach McGuirk: Buying me lottery tickets... Brendon: How's it going? Coach McGuirk: Well, I just drank pee. How's it going with you? Melissa Robbins: You'll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life, they'll call you four eyes and idiot! Jason: Then forget the glasses. I just won't read anymore. Melissa Robbins: Then they'll just call you idiot. Jason: Okay, how about laser surgery? Melissa Robbins: Well, that's fine if you don't mind growing an extra arm... Jason: I don't mind; it will help... Melissa Robbins: ...Out of your eye! Jason: Oh my god!

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Coach McGuirk: [Cuts down door with two swords] It's Spaghetti Time! Coach McGuirk: Remember, You made someone do something bad with swords. Coach McGuirk: Hey, My Swords are worth more than all these foods combined. Clerk: Yes, But we do not accept swords. Coach McGuirk: Why don't you accept swords? Clerk: Let me ask my manager. [Picks up Phone] Clerk: Uh Yeah, Leo? *mumbles* call the cops. Coach McGuirk: [looking at a bald child with an oxygen ventilator] I love this kid. He's like a chipmunk with a disease. Brendon: [sigh] I know this is only a sitcom but... ugh, nobody can be that stupid. [Coach McGuirk appears with Brendon at juvenile court] Judge: Brendon, is this your guardian? Brendon: I don't know. Coach McGuirk: Uh, John McGuirk, Your Honor. Judge: Have I seen you in court before? Coach McGuirk: Yes, several times, but that's not important, sir. What's important is that my retarded nephew is innocent. Brendon: I'm NOT retarded. Coach McGuirk: Yes you are, Brendon, now shut up. Uh, Your Honor, during the day of the accident, Brendon was suffering from a severe bout of, uh, mentally challenged... stuff. Brendon: What are you doing? Coach McGuirk: Mistrial, Brendon. Also, Your Honor, uh, Brendon was suffering from dementia, which, uh, was passed down to him from... me. Judge: Now, wait, now... Coach McGuirk: I don't even know where I am right now, Your Honor. Brendon: I got hit... I was hit by a car! Judge: Now, you were hit by a... r-right. S-so what are you telling me here? Coach McGuirk: Well, that Brendon was hit by a car, and that... that it was, uh, his fault. Brendon: You'd make a FANTASTIC lawyer. [to the pharmacist] Paula Small: I need to refill this prescription. It's for my anxiety disorder and, uh, it's working nicely 'cause, uh... I wouldn't be able to approach you otherwise. Brendon: [Paula turns off his camera] Mom, no... Paula Small: No, Brendon, you're supposed to be resting, the doctor said it was psychosomatic. Or stress related. Or... menopausal. Something. I wasn't paying attention. Coach McGuirk: [drunk] You wanna know something? *Anyone* can become a soccer coach. Like, they don't regulate. Like you have to get a degree, right? So you're qualified. Nurse Kirkman: Yes... I do have a degree. Coach McGuirk: