Captain S. Melly takes over as the new Commanding Officer at an experimental mixed sex air defence base. It's 1940 and England is under heav...更多>
[Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket] Pvt. Easy: Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir! Capt. S. Melly: Regular? I've been regular for 18 years! Pvt. Easy: Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then. Capt. S. Melly: You'll have it back when I'm good and ready. Pvt. Easy: That's alright, Sir. No need to strain yourself! [Sgt Tilly Willing sees Melly for the first time] Sgt. Tilly Willing: Two inches shorter, he could see right up my skirt! [on arrival at the mixed battery] Capt. S. Melly: Corporal! Capt. S. Melly: That man, he's wearing lipstick! Melly's driver: Lipstick sir? Capt. S. Melly: Yes. Melly's driver: Where? Capt. S. Melly: On his face! Where do you think! [welcoming Capt S. Melly] Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Welcome to 1313 anti-aircraft battery Sir! Capt. S. Melly: You up there! What's your name? Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir. Capt. S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous. [Ready twitches] Capt. S. Melly: What are you doing? Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Twitching, Sir! Capt. S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching? Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir! Capt. S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that! [Bombardier Ready keeps twitching] Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off! Its not wasted on me, boy. Capt. S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name? Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name! Capt. S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman. Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do? [Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it] Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir. Capt. S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe. Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer
: If only you was a man I would sort you out! Capt. S. Melly: [in reference to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it! Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe. Capt. S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe? Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed. Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like! [hysterical laughter] Capt. S. Melly: What are you laughing at? Pvt. Murray: Well, I'm happy Sir. Capt. S. Melly: Happy? What, here? Sgt. Len Able: What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it or rub it in? Cpl. Cook: You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care. [S. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside] Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum sir? Capt. S. Melly: [shouts] Get on with it! [slap] Capt. S. Melly: [Yells with pain] Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind Sir. Cruel to be kind. [Major Butcher is called in to deal with some friction burns to Capt. S. Melly's bottom] Maj. Butcher: That's quite a nasty friction burn you have there. What you been doing, eh? Arsing about?