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[Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket]
Pvt. Easy:
Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir!
Capt. S. Melly:
Regular? I've been regular for 18 years!
Pvt. Easy:
Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.
Capt. S. Melly:
You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.
Pvt. Easy:
That's alright, Sir. No need to strain yourself!
[Sgt Tilly Willing sees Melly for the first time]
Sgt. Tilly Willing:
Two inches shorter, he could see right up my skirt!
[on arrival at the mixed battery]
Capt. S. Melly:
Corporal!
Capt. S. Melly:
That man, he's wearing lipstick!
Melly's driver:
Lipstick sir?
Capt. S. Melly:
Yes.
Melly's driver:
Where?
Capt. S. Melly:
On his face! Where do you think!
[welcoming Capt S. Melly]
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
[shouts] Welcome to 1313 anti-aircraft battery Sir!
Capt. S. Melly:
You up there! What's your name?
Bombardier Ready:
Ready, sir.
Capt. S. Melly:
Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.
[Ready twitches]
Capt. S. Melly:
What are you doing?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
[shouts] Twitching, Sir!
Capt. S. Melly:
I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?
Bombardier Ready:
It's me nerves, Sir!
Capt. S. Melly:
Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!
[Bombardier Ready keeps twitching]
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
Twitch off! Its not wasted on me, boy.
Capt. S. Melly:
Good man, and what's your name?
Gunner Shorthouse:
Gunner Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!
Capt. S. Melly:
And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.
Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe:
Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?
[Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it]
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.
Capt. S. Melly:
Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.
Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe:
Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?
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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer
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:
If only you was a man I would sort you out!
Capt. S. Melly:
[in reference to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!
Gunner Owen:
Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.
Capt. S. Melly:
What's wrong with your big toe?
Gunner Owen:
Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
[shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like!
[hysterical laughter]
Capt. S. Melly:
What are you laughing at?
Pvt. Murray:
Well, I'm happy Sir.
Capt. S. Melly:
Happy? What, here?
Sgt. Len Able:
What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it or rub it in?
Cpl. Cook:
You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.
[S. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside]
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
Permission to un-numb bum sir?
Capt. S. Melly:
[shouts] Get on with it!
[slap]
Capt. S. Melly:
[Yells with pain]
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer:
Cruel to be kind Sir. Cruel to be kind.
[Major Butcher is called in to deal with some friction burns to Capt. S. Melly's bottom]
Maj. Butcher:
That's quite a nasty friction burn you have there. What you been doing, eh? Arsing about?
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