advertisement Opening crawl: In the old West, there was no law. Men came, saw good land and took what they wanted - the stronger divided empires. Later arrivals asked only water and a plot of ground where they might live in peace. These were the Nesters. And the great land lords hated them. From this hatred came bitter range warfare. McWade: They're comin' down the east road! Autry Sr.: They'll never get this far. This wagon is loaded with dynamite. We'll mine the road at the bend and when the nesters get there, we'll see how high they can fly! Gene Autry: I suppose you feel all right now that you've won another range war and become more crippled up than ever. Dr. Parker: I proclaim with pride, gentlemen, that we possess the most potent of panaceas for a plague-ridden people, and the most musical minstrels that ever mangled a melody. Shorty: If you didn't have the latter, you wouldn't sell much of the former! Dr. Parker: I resent that, sir! It's unbecoming a gentleman, a scholar and a good bassoon player. Gene Autry: What's the fellow wanted for, Sheriff? Sheriff Manton: Murder! If you see him, shoot first and shoot straight. Dr. Parker: You mean you're the son of the local cattle baron and we'd have played this town without telling me? Gene Autry: Why should I? Dr. Parker: What a fine partner you're turning out to be. Think of the ballyhoo: "Son of cattle king returns to share his triumphs with friends of his childhood." Why, we'll sell another twenty gallons at least. Dr. Parker: Well, if this is the way squatters live, I should think that they'd have been glad to get run off. I know I never could stand squatting. Smiley: I never knew it was possible. Dr. Parker: You never knew what was possible? Smiley: To stand squatting. [Harry waves his pistol at the medicine show performers] Harry Brooks: Turn around and face the wall. Take a rope off this bundle, boy, and tie there hands behind them. Work fast! If I start to pass out, I may take some of you with me for luck! Smiley: You better keep this [Harry's pistol] Smiley: in case he wakes up. Gene Autry: I don't need it. He's a friend of mine. Smiley: In that case, I'll keep it. We may meet some more friends of yours. [Gene is treating Harry's gunshot wounds] Gene Autry: Is that dope you sell really good for anything, Doc? Dr. Parker: What? Doctor Parker's painless panacea is compounded from the healing roots and herbs brewed from the formula of a Kickapoo Indian chief whose daughter... Gene Autry: I've heard that forty times a day for six months, but is it really good for anything? Dr. Parker: Well, it won't hurt him any, but maybe we'd better get the iodine. [Gene and his friends chase away a would-be murderer] Shorty: You shoulda shot the polecat when you had a chance! Smiley: Yeah, but I ain't got no huntin' license. Dr. Parker: Ladies and gentlemen, your reception does not go unrewarded. Doctor Parker's perfection performers invite you to a feast of fun and frolic free, gratis and for nothing. This way, please. Dr. Parker: My friends, Doctor Parker's Painless Panacea is not a cure-all. It will not help bunions, corns and fallen arches. It will not prevent the pants from bagging at the knees. Ah no, my friends, but it will bring to each and every ailing man or woman within the sound of my voice a vigorous, virile health that it brought to this fine specimen who I first knew as an anemic, pale, wasted figure without enough blood to color a freckle. Gene Autry: I don't blame you for running away after the way you didn't answer my letters. All is forgiven. You look just the same, except for the frown. How come you stopped writing anyway? Janet Brooks: Well, you see, I didn't think it was just right to go on after I... [Janet indicates her wedding ring] Gene Autry: Hadn't you better introduce me to your friend? Jerry Brooks: Do you mean you don't know me? Why, I'm Jerry, Janet's little sister! Gene Autry: The little freckle-faced kid that never could keep her stockings up? Jerry Brooks: Uh-huh. Gene Autry: I can't believe it! I don't know whether to kiss you or spank you. Jerry Brooks: Don't you think I'm a little old to spank? Gene Autry: I suppose you are. And it's probably a little too public to, ah, well anyway, it's too public. Eightball: Look out, he's gonna shoot!