advertisement Thelma: Hey, that's weird. It's gone. Now I know that cake was in here this morning. J.J.: Looking for dead roaches. Because if they ate that cake, they couldn't got too far. James: We are poor, and poor is one of three things people don't want to be. Right next to sick, and dead. J.J.: Around here, we've got something more powerful than Drano. See, all we do is hang a picture of Thelma's face over the drain, and the clog goes away. We call it: Thelmo. Thelma: Yes, and when it's really clogged, we have to use the snake, so we send J.J. down there personally. Bookman: I don't believe it. Y'all done tricked me again. Willona: No, we didn't trick you, honey. [under her breath] Willona: Thank you for the dollar, sucker. Bookman: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Now, this ticket says "Come in costume". What am I supposed to do about a costume? J.J.: Hey, Bookman, just grab a basketball, and you can come as the Harlem Globetrotters. Michael: Hey, Thelma. You about ready for that kissing booth? Thelma: Yep, I've got my lips, and my lip gloss, and... Oh, Michael, you didn't tell me how much to sell my kisses for. J.J.: Thelma, be ready to make change of a dime. Thelma: You know something, if you were in there, it wouldn't be a kissing booth... it would be a house of horrors, you ugly monster. Michael: Daddy friend Monte told him that everything's going to be okay. Florida: That's the same Monte who said that Nixon was going to be poor folks best friend. Thelma: Don't worry, daddy. I've got eyes like an eagle. J.J.: And a face like a beagle. Sweet Daddy: Sweet Daddy has to protect his image. Michael: How can you? Vampires don't cast images. Sweet Daddy: I'll remember that, if you ever grow up. J.J.: Van Gough, and Rembrandt, don't be uptight, cause here comes KID DYNOMITE. Penny: Is he here? Michael: Is who here? Penny: I don't know his name, but he's tall, skinny, and beautiful. Michael: Hold on now. Tall, and skinny we've got, but beautiful? J.J.: Here's the way it comes down, Michael. The alleged mama, took her alleged fist, and hit the little kid's alleged back, and left a mess of alleged bruises, that were legally clear. Larry: Someday, I plan to own my own gas station. Florida: When is "someday", Larry? Larry: In about 10 years, ma'am. J.J.: There won't be no gas left by then. Florida: I don't have to ask who hung this picture up here, Michael Evans, but before I hang you in its place, why? James: [to Thelma and Michael] If I do have hypertension, y'all gave it to me wit' all that nickin' and naggin' goin' on. Junior here's the only one who haven't got on my nerves. J.J.: That's because, one, I respect you, and two, I fear for my life. J.J.: Looks just like me, slim, black and DYN-O-MITE. Florida: Did you here yourself James, you said "ain't" 3 times in a row. James: So. Florida: "Ain't" is not a word. James: OH yeah... its in the dictionary. Florida: No "aint" ain't, but isn't is... look it up. James: I cant. Florida: Why? James: "AINT" got no dictionary. Grandpa: In this box is something that is going to get all of us out of the ghetto. J.J.: What is it? A BOMB. Florida Evans: And I must give thanks to the good Lord above for giving us such a beautiful Christmas gift: a loving family and warm friends. James 'J.J.' Evans Jr.: I bet he tells little kids that Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, is an alcoholic. Nathan Bookman: I'm appalled. I mean, the thought of a Christmas bonus never entered my mind. Willona Evans: Oh, I'm glad, honey, 'cause it never entered our minds, either. Michael Evans: Don't you know what today is? J.J. Evans: Yeah, Blue Monday. Followed by Broke Tuesday, followed by Disasters Wednesday. From there the rest of the week go DOWN HILL. Michael Evans: Today is the first day of Black History Week. J.J. Evans: [about his painted portrait] Sweet Daddy Williams is black. Michael Evans: But you should be painting someone more relevant to black history. J.J. Evans: Relevant? Are you jiving? Sweet Daddy Williams owns three apartment houses, two Cadillacs and a Lincoln. He ain't never worked a day in his life and he never been to jail. He's the SAME DUDE that got shot five times and ran seven miles to the hospital. Now if that ain't black history, I don't know what is. Florida: [shouts] Damn, damn, damn! James Sr: James Junior! Them passing grades you got? You didn't deserve them, they just gave em to you to get rid of ya! JJ: And now to open Thelma's present - the wonderful cap! Thelma: How'd you know that? JJ: I did a little search and seizure in your room the other day... Ah! The color I wanted! Thelma: That's not the one I bought! JJ: I know, I already exchanged it! - when the chicks see this hat, I'm gonna have wall to wall hickeys! [JJ's just been arrested on suspicion of armed robbery] Policeman: J.J. you fit the description of the suspect - a tall, skinny, young, black man. JJ: You just described most of Chicago! J.J: [Loretta goes into labor and JJ calls the doctor, frantic] J.J: Hello? Doc? Look here! I got one of your patients here about to have a baby! See you at the clinic. Check?... Just do what? Are you sure you a baby Doctor? Oh! [JJ hangs up] J.J: I dialed the wrong number! I got the pet hospital! Michael: JJ, are you sure? J.J: It musta' been! He told me to put Loretta in a cardboard box and let nature take it's course! [while Loretta is in labor JJ calls for a cab] J.J: Hello? Yellow Cab Company? Look here man! We need one of your vehicles right away!... Yeah!... Oh no, we just right over here in the projects and... (Operator hangs up) Hello? Hello? They afraid to come in to this neighborhood! No wonder they call their cabs yellow! Some White Guy: Somebody's getting mugged on the 14th floor! JJ: You lucky the mugger was busy, otherwise, you'd a been the muggee. [Thelma's listening to some classical music] J.J: What is that music? Thelma: That's Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. JJ: Well tell the swans to get out - the lake's polluted! Florida: Junior the alarm's set for 6AM. JJ: Only ones up at that hour is the garbage men. And the way the streets look, they droppin' it off insteada' pickin' it up! Thelma: Has anybody seen my hair-spray? JJ: Yeah! it's under the sink. I used it last night to wipe-out some bugs! Thelma: You used my hair-spray on bugs? JJ: Yeah, but it didn't do nothin for em. They was all bald! Michael: Daddy high blood pressure can cause kidney malfunction! JJ: In this house a person can get kidney malfunction waiting for Thelma to get outta the bathroom! Florida: Where's Thelma? JJ: In the bathroom, as usual. She spends more time in there than the tidy bowl man! J.J: Dad, Mr. Garrett wants you to fix his alarm clock. He needs it back by Tuesday night, so he can get up on time to collect his unemployment insurance! James Sr: Junior, get your Mother a glass of water. Water? She aint drinkin' nothin' but the best from now on... Kool aid! Thelma: Mama might be in a tv commercial! JJ: Hey! That'd be groovy, bein' the son of a famous movie star, I'd have my own Cadillac to drive down and get my food stamps! Thelma: J.J where'd you get stamps to mail a letter? JJ: I don't need no money for stamps! The last six letters I painted em on! Michael: [as the TV is being taken away] Goodbye John-Boy. James: [to Bookman] We otta biscuits balloon belly. J.J.: Thelma, I think I got VD! Thelma: VD! The only way you can get that is by... JJ!... well who is it? [JJ looks at her] Thelma: ... Mariaane Thomas? Sweet little Marianne Thomas? ooooooWOOO! Michael: [Michael comes out of the room with his text book] JJ what you say you got? J.J.: VD Michael: [looking up VD] It says here you can only get VD by... ooooooWooo! Florida Evans: [Florida is shocked when she sees the young boy who delivers drugs to people, like J.J's girlfriend] But James, he's still a baby! James: Well, this ain't his talcum powder! J.J.: [demonstrating to Florida how to do a TV commercial] Hi, y'all out there in TV land. This is Florida Evans - star of stage, screen, and the ghetto - here to tell you about Vita-Brite Health Tonic. My husband James used to have slow blood. He would cut himself shaving on Monday and wouldn't start bleedin' till Thursday. But *now*... James: ...now, thanks to Vita-Brite Health Tonic, my blood is fast, fast, *fast*! Now I bleed all the time! J.J: Only the best for mama now... Kool-Aid. James: You know what I'm gonna leave the world when I go, Florida? A tombstone that reads "Here lies James Evans. Back in the hole again". J.J.: [J.J. phones home after a police raid on his "friend's" apartment] Ma? I'm ready to come home. Florida: It's your home. James: Those could have been Sweet Daddy's draws! Florida: [after discovering J.J's illegal gambling] J.J, there are two roads out of the ghetto. So far, we've managed to stay on the right road. J.J.: That's what's taking us so long to get out of here! Look, Ma, tell me one dude in the projects who's got a future that ain't in the rackets. Florida: You, because you just resigned. J.J.: Oh, no, Ma. It's MY way out and I'm going to take it. Florida: Then you can start by getting out of here. J.J.: Oh, come one, Ma... [moves forward to hug Florida] Florida: [pulls away and begins gathering his belongings] J.J.: Now, Ma! Let's be reasonable... Florida: [shoving his belongings into his hands] And take these things with you! J.J.: Ma, you haven't even... Florida: [angrily] J.J, get the HELL out of my house! J.J.: Jesus may have your soul, but mama gonna have your behind. Mrs. Gordon: [after plotting to steal Penny away from Wilona by setting her up as an unfit mother] Come on now, Mrs. Woods, can't we talk this thing out woman-to-woman? Willona: That depends... what woman is going to talk to YOU? Mrs. Gordon: Did you see the look in that kid's eyes? She WANTS to come home with me! It was all those gifts I gave her, that tape recorder and that $2500 brass bed! Now what could you POSSIBLY give her to top that? Willona: [triumphantly] Love. Can you do that? Mrs. Gordon: I'm here, ain't I? Willona: So is the garbage.