The wortless daydreaming slob George Newman can't keep a job for more than a few days at a time before he gets fired. Fortunately, his uncle...更多>
George Newman: I need a drink. Bob: You don't drink. George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start. [watching a cartoon when Bob tells George whether to finish the show since Teri won't talk to him] Stanley Spadowski: Watch out, Mr. Coyote! [sound effect on TV] Stanley Spadowski: Aww, it's terrible. Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right! I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy. Stanley Spadowski: Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it's not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub 'cause you gotta get it off. But if that doesn't work, you can't give up. You gotta stand right up. You gotta run to a window and say, "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more." George Newman: Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs - -all next week on Town Talk. Pamela Finklestein: "Broads don't belong in broadcasting"? Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department? R.J. Fletcher: Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, never call chicks broads. Stanley Spadowski: I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. [laughs] Stanley Spadowski: Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. [George and Bob just got fired again] Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen. George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in! Go ahead. Really. Please! Just BASH it right in! Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks. [afterlosing his thumb in a table saw] Joe Earley: Can you believe this? Would you look at that? Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers." I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red. [On the game show, "Wheel of Fish", Phyllis Weaver has just spun the wheel and landed on a red snapper]
: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can hold on to your red snapper... [Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box] Kuni: ...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now! What's it gonna be? [Phyllis Weaver has difficulty in choosing as the audience point to the box] Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box! [applause] Kuni: You took the box? Let's see what's in the box! [Hiro-san opens the box; the audience gasps. There is a silence] Kuni: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You're so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID! Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station. George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day. [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Sy Greenblum: Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company. Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up? Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind? Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George? Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly. Stanley Spadowski: "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more." [as in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)] Raul Hernandez: Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers. R.J. Fletcher: This is an embarrassment. A disgrace. What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today? Richard Fletcher: "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out." Stanley Spadowski: George? What's the matter? George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know. Stanley Spadowski: Huh? Why did I ask? Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to Secrets of the Universe. Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items. George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? [dead silence] George Newman:
That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.