Craig Jones: Ho-ho, Motherfucker! Santa Claus: Gimme that watch! Uncle Elroy: Oh, no. Not the Rollie! Santa Claus: Now it's a Stollie. Looking like a Mississippi pimp. Bitch better have my sweet potatoes. Ho, ho, ho, motherfucker! Craig Jones: I convince Donna's fine ass to come back to the party. I got her in my room, slid the dresser behind the door, and got myself a early Christmas present. [door closes] Craig Jones: *You know*! Craig Jones: [Beaten up Moly walks in Barbeque restaurant] Daaaamn! Day-Day: Someone call 9-1-1 Mr. Jones: Moly... you got knocked the fuck out! Donna: Oh, good observation, buddy. Donna: Where were you buddies, huh? Craig Jones: We was on our lunch break. Day-Day: Trying to get something to eat, so we can secure this nasty-ass lot. Donna: Good, good, good... you were eating while I was getting beating. Day-Day: Looks like somebody beat the bricks off your motherfucking ass. Donna: You are supposed to be a security guard, buddy. Day-Day: We are security, ain't that a bitch? Craig Jones: We are security guards. Moly: [Damon splashes water on Money Mike] Did you pee on me? Pinky: Wake yo' bitch-ass up, lucky charms. I like my fish wet and squirmy. Moly: I thought I was dreaming. You almost drowned me, nigga. Moly: Oh, you're dreaming. This is a wet dream. Damon: Craig and Day-Day. Day-Day: Ohh... Damon: Just the niggas I need to see. Craig Jones: Yo, yo... what's up O.G. Triple O.G... O.G. triple... triple O.G.? Day-Day: You got out last night? Damon: I haven't seen ya'll in about 12 years, nigga. Day-Day: I know, I was little...
Damon: You're grown up now, though. Give a nigga a hug, dog. Day-Day: I'm about to go... [Craig grabs Day-Day and runs him into Damon] Damon: [Damnon grabs Day-Day] Yeah, man. It's cool, dog. It's cool. Come here. Yeah, right there. Damon: [Damon looks at Craig] Group hug, nigga! Day-Day: Come on, Craig! [Craig walks to Damon] Craig Jones: What's up, dog. Damon: What's up, nigga. Damon: It's good to be home. 'Cause in prison dog, hey... ain't nothing but fellows up in there. Money Mike: [Damon splashes water on Money Mike] Did you pee on me? Damon: Wake yo' bitch-ass up, lucky charms. I like my fish wet and squirmy. Money Mike: I thought I was dreaming. You almost drowned me, nigga. Damon: Oh, you're dreaming. This is a wet dream. Old man w/ shotgun: Next time I'm gonna shoot at the one that winks and not the one that stinks. Old man w/ shotgun: Come on out there! I know you're in here! Old man w/ shotgun: Respect my gangster! Damon: It's good to be home. 'Cause in prison dog, hey... ain't nothing but fellows up in there. Day-Day: It ain't ya booty, it's ya beauty. Money Mike: Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some pimpin' in it. Craig Jones: He looked like Bobby Brown in a goddamn Santa Claus suit. Pinky: After you hit that little retarded boy with the fucked up walk! Day-Day: With that big ol' wolf pussy. Money Mike: Crunching on your balls in a one horsed open sleigh. Craig Jones: [to Officer A. Hole] Do your fuckin job! Day-Day: One of them said they was gonna suck my dick from the back. I'm tryin' to see what that be like! Day-Day: Man, What about the fine ass hos I had coming here. Day-Day: They said they were gonna fuck for a buck, do something strange for a little piece of change, and I know we're gonna make them Holler for a doller. Day-Day: One of 'em said they'd suck my dick from the back. I ain't never had that, ever happen to me, I'm trying to see what that be like. Badaba badaba ba. Craig Jones:
About a year ago, my pops quit his dog-catching job and went into business with my uncle Elroy. They ran this spot called Brothers Barbecue. Taste so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama. You might have seen the commercial.
Uncle Elroy: Ya'll tired of eatin' that barbecue from up the street? Where they give you more sauce than they give you meat? Then bring your big ass down to Bros. Barbecue, 15837 South Crenshaw Boulevard, that's right off Manchester. Bros. Barbecue, tastes so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama! Don't it, Willie? Mr. Jones: Yeah, boy! Hey, mama? Grandma Jones: What the hell you want, Willie? [Willie slaps her] Uncle Elroy: Ain't but one location, so it's nearest you. Craig Jones: You might have missed it. They only had enough money for a 15-second spot. Well, my pops hooked us up with a job as Christmas help security. Bad Boy #1: Man he don't look like no reindeer, he look like a pit bull. Giddy up pit bull. Uncle Elroy: You better stop jumpin' up and down before I have to bite you or something. Bad Boy #1: Can you lock your jaws and shake like a pit bull. Uncle Elroy: Yeah, want me to show you? Money Mike: [while holding Damon's balls with a tweezer] Do you like christmas plays, Damon? Damon: Y... yes Money Mike: Well, have you ever heard of the nutcracker? [squeezes Damon's balls with the tweezer] Craig Jones: [upon catching Santa robbing his house] What the fuck you doin' in my house? Makin' a big ol' sandwich and shit? Day-Day: All want Santa Claus is two fat bitches and a bag of weed and two bag of chips to give to the fat bitches Money Mike: Do y'all got a bathroom up in here? I gotta piss like a Russian racehorse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck on my ass! Officer Dix: The suspect was black? Day-Day: No, it was a nigga that did this.