Chris Titus:
[off audience's nervous laughter] You'd better lighten the fuck up, 'cause we're going a lot further than that tonight.
Chris Titus:
Don't puss out on me now!
[about his mother, who is a diagnosed manic-depressive schizophrenic]
Chris Titus:
If it wasn't for her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine.
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:
The Los Angeles Times states that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon *really* happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to *lose their minds*. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership!"
Chris Titus:
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Chris Titus:
My girlfriend and me had a fight on Christmas while watching Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer which ended with me calling the cops! That earns *me* a WHITE TRASH BLACK BELT!
Chris Titus:
When it comes to drinking and driving my dad is Obi Wan Kenobi. He busted me once for drinking and driving. I woke up, 6 a.m. Saturday morning about 2 months into my senior year. Just hung over, just hammered. I wake up to my father standing over me, wearing a robe, holding a beer.
Chris Titus:
[pantomimes opening a beer can] HEY! Why don't you get up and explain to my why the car's parked at such an odd angle... on the porch... across the street.
Chris Titus:
My father had a defribillator, you know, "Clear!" He had one right here.
[He gestures to a small area on the left side of his chest]
Chris Titus:
Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up. I mean, this guy smoked for forty years, and now he's got this permanent little square right here.
Chris Titus:
If his heart was above a certain beat or below a certain beat, it would zap him. You could be in mid-sentence with my dad, and all of sudden he's just go
[Pantomimes getting zapped, and makes a buzzer noise]
Chris Titus:
My mom is insane. And I don't mean "My mom is insane!" I mean, "We the jury find the defendant..." She was diagnosed a manic depressive schizophrenic, and admitted to a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it, "She's shacked up in the whacko basket!"
Chris Titus:
My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
Chris Titus:
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
Chris Titus:
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is *not* holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
[after being busted by his father for driving drunk]
Chris Titus:
He decided to pull my license for six months of my senior year. And I hated him for that, because nothing screams "prom night" more than helping your date down off the handlebars.
[Pantomimes pedaling a bicycle]
Chris Titus:
Whoo hoo! Party!
[Pantomimes ringing the handlebar bell]
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:
Ching ching! Hang on guys, my tuxedo is caught in the chain!
Chris Titus:
She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking *pay*!
Chris Titus:
I say we should spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them work for the Red Cross. You get a ex-junkie in there, bop-bap, he is *gonna* find a vein. You're in, you're out, you get a sugar cookie and you are happy!
Chris Titus:
It actually comforts me to know that when I was in Kindergarten gluing macaroni to paper plates, my mom was in therapy gluing macaroni to paper plates.
Chris Titus:
I used to put her projects on the refrigerator.复制复制成功复制失败，请手动复制
