Neal Schweiber: The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader, you've seen Star Wars 27 times. You do the math. Ken Miller: I have to get into a bar. Everything fun in life happens in bars. Millie Kentner: You're high! Lindsay Weir: How could you tell? Millie Kentner: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer. Lindsay Weir: We're all unhappy. That's the thing about life. Sam Weir: It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff. Neal Schweiber: I'd kill to be that bored. Bill Haverchuck: I heard my mom say to her girlfriend, "Any guy with feathered hair is *foxy*." Sam Weir: Uh, dad, can I have an Atari from my birthday? Harold Weir: An a-what-i? Jean Weir: That's one of those expensive video games, isn't it? Sam Weir: No, no! It's not expensive! Harold Weir: Oh, well, the welfare lines are full of those video game players. Bill Haverchuck: Fredericks, you're a turd... a stinky f-fat turd, go sniff a jock strap, you poop head. You love patting boys' butts... butt... you butt-patter! You're a perv and a loser and a stinky t-turd! Bill Haverchuck: Remember that time in civics when I had to fart, and it came out, well, a poop? And I had to flush my undies down the toilet? Do you think I wanted to tell you that? Bill Haverchuck: It's a Parisian night suit, in case you didn't know. Gordon Crisp: A Parisian! Ooh la la! Neal Schweiber: It's not a parisian. It's a jumpsuit. My grandfather in Florida wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants! Neal Schweiber: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor. Bill Haverchuck: But, uh, you're not funny. Neal Schweiber: Screw you, I'm hilarious! Nick Andopolis: Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess... meat? Neal Schweiber: I never eat breakfast. I just have my coffee now.
: Is that before, or after you shave? Daniel Desario: You guys know Lindsay? Nick Andopolis: Yeah, you were in my English class last year. You were the chick that got an A, right? Lindsay Weir: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Ken Miller: I don't know. What are you gonna do? Neal Schweiber: So I wake up this morning, and guess what is sitting on the end of my bed? Bill Haverchuck: A turd? Neal Schweiber: Yes, Bill, a turd. Bill Haverchuck: Ewwwwww! Gross! Neal Schweiber: An Atari video set. Is my dad the coolest, or what? So shall we say Asteriods, my place, 3:30? Bill Haverchuck: Yeah, if that's when you wanna get your butt kicked. Bill Haverchuck: Do you remember when we said we'd tell each other everything? Neal Schweiber: Yeah. Bill Haverchuck: Did you mean it? Neal Schweiber: Of course. Bill Haverchuck: Even if it's something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, 'cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible. Neal Schweiber: Okay, Bill, you're killin' me, you gotta tell me now. Bill Haverchuck: If I were Bionic Woman, what would I wear? Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers. Daniel Desario: Am I a loser? Harris Trinsky: You're not a loser 'cause you have sex, but if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue. Alan White: Dr. Love, would you autograph my genitals? Daniel Desario: I wrote out some Ramones songs. Nick Andopolis: The Ramones? They only use like three chords. Daniel Desario: So? I'll learn another one. Harold Weir: Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses! Bill Haverchuck: Mouse Trap! I win! Neal Schweiber: Congratulations, Bill. Maybe you can get the school to start a team. Neal Schweiber: I'm Jewish. That's no cakewalk either. Last year, I was elected school treasurer. I didn't even run! Lindsay Weir: Millie, you're eating candy already? It's only 7:30 in the morning! Millie Kentner: It's just Lik'm'aid. It makes my spit taste like fruit juice! Bill Haverchuck: Cindy cut the cheese. Neal Schweiber: Oh my god! <
b>Sam Weir: Shut up. Bill Haverchuck: I'm serious. She blamed it on the chair. Sam Weir: Well, what kind of chair was it? Bill Haverchuck: I don't know. Vinyl? Sam Weir: Vinyl chairs always squeak! Bill Haverchuck: It wasn't the sound of vinyl squeaking. It was the sound of cheese being cut. Nick Andopolis: I mean, what's the difference between disco and Zeppelin? Discotheque DJ: Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling 'disco sucks?' What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock and roll" teaches you? Ken Miller: No, it teaches me that DISCO SUCKS! Sam Weir: A keg of beer, please. Greasy Liquor Store Clerk: Don't see that happening. Harold Weir: By the way, that drummer you're listening to... Nick Andopolis: Yeah? Harold Weir: He's terrible! Nick Andopolis: What? That's Neal Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive! Harold Weir: Neal Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag! Nick Andopolis: Hey, I believe in god, man. I've seen him, I've felt his power! He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham, baby! Kim Kelly: Are you calling me irrational? Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off and I'll throw it over that fence. [Kim Kelly cranks up the car stereo] Daniel Desario: Will you knock it off, Blondie, you're gonna blow the speakers. Kim Kelly: Oh I'm sorry Grandpa, I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on. Millie Kentner: You're on the pot! Millie Kentner: She fornicates it! Kim Kelly: [sobbing] You're, like, my only friend Lindsay! And you're a total loser! Lindsay Weir: Dad is right - I'm part of this family. Harold Weir: Hear that, Jean? I was right about something. Maybe we should take a picture of this moment. Lindsay Weir: [to Nick] So... you wanna make out or something? Ken Miller: I always say girl plus car equals dead animal. Harris Trinsky: Love is like homework. You gotta study if you want to get an A. Sam Weir: What am I supposed to do with a porno?